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Author Topic: The Devious New Elven Plot REVEALED! (Dun dun DUUUN)  (Read 2241 times)

Dekon

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The Devious New Elven Plot REVEALED! (Dun dun DUUUN)
« on: April 24, 2010, 08:18:14 pm »

I've figured it out, and I shall now tell you all the horrible truth.

Weeks ago, the Elves - like the rest of the world in Armok's lands - awoke one morning to discover that the physics that governed their world had suddenly changed -drastically-!  Density..weight..  All these things mattered, and more so than ever in combat!  This was the sad truth of one elven village, who a single kobold in copper armor annihilated single handedly as their wooden weapons bounced off his armor with no effect.  The mightiest among them could not bring down this little beast.

Luckily, he stole nothing, for all their shit was worthless.

An Elven counsel was convened, and it was there that one brave less wussy elf mentioned what all the others were thinking - 'What shall we do about the dwarves?!  Their weapons and armor will surely now be able to crush us far more easily than they even did in the past!  Their charcoaling of our trees will go unpunished!'

The elves talked and talked.  For hours.. days.. they discussed how they might possibly be able to defeat the dwarves.  Finally, the elder wuss hippie elf among them stood, and proclaimed 'We shall use our weeds to create a super breed of warthogs.  We shall then use those warthogs to haul massive amounts of our crappy crap to the dwarves, burdening them so greatly that they will not be able to function.  Their fortresses will be littered endlessly with our garbage, and all their work shall grind to a halt.  They shall forever be defeated!'.  One elf timidly raised his hand (as all elves do) and replied 'But we need our weed for smoking!'  Several nodded in agreement, until the Elder proclaimed 'Not that weed!  The other weed!'.  'Oh, the -other- weed!' they all replied, nodding their heads foolishly (as all elves do).

And so began the plot.  Thousands upon thousands of pounds of trash were piled.  Elephants, cougars - any animal they could fit in a cage.  And upon these strange, twisted little warthogs, whose glowing eyes spoke of their untold strength, they piled massive loads that reached high, high into the sky.

And off they came.. came to destroy us!

But we have hope, oh yes..

For we have plans..  Building plans..  A floor, far above our great red liquid the elves have only dreamed of.  Upon their shall our trading spot innocently sit.  And from them we shall politely buy a paltry of goods from them, letting them think they have won.

Only until the lever is pulled.

And then they shall meet our bath of heat, as well as all their garbage, in one glorious fall.

Perhaps pictures of the explosion of all their crappy excuse for alcohol they bring will be engraved on all our walls one day.
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darkrider2

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Re: The Devious New Elven Plot REVEALED! (Dun dun DUUUN)
« Reply #1 on: April 24, 2010, 08:26:48 pm »

lol that's awesome! But then why do they stop trading with me when I cut down so many trees?

"you have done an evil deed cutting those beautiful trees! so now we will not crush your fort with our useless shit! TAKE THAT!"
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smjjames

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Re: The Devious New Elven Plot REVEALED! (Dun dun DUUUN)
« Reply #2 on: April 24, 2010, 08:31:36 pm »

Depending on your location, good luck finding a straight  path down to magma that is unobstructed by caverns. You can of course create your own hole or bring some magma up.
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Dekon

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Re: The Devious New Elven Plot REVEALED! (Dun dun DUUUN)
« Reply #3 on: April 24, 2010, 08:34:12 pm »

Actually, I got half lucky.  My fortress actually has a magma pipe sitting about 8 levels below the surface.  However, it also has an absurd number of caverns directly below the soil layer.
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timferius

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Re: The Devious New Elven Plot REVEALED! (Dun dun DUUUN)
« Reply #4 on: April 24, 2010, 08:34:39 pm »

lol that's awesome! But then why do they stop trading with me when I cut down so many trees?

"you have done an evil deed cutting those beautiful trees! so now we will not crush your fort with our useless shit! TAKE THAT!"

Obviously, this is a discreet way for them to hide their true plan. It's like reverse psychology.
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Dekon

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Re: The Devious New Elven Plot REVEALED! (Dun dun DUUUN)
« Reply #5 on: April 24, 2010, 08:35:37 pm »

In fact, I only have to dig five layers deep to access the pit above the magma.
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smjjames

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Re: The Devious New Elven Plot REVEALED! (Dun dun DUUUN)
« Reply #6 on: April 24, 2010, 08:38:51 pm »

In fact, I only have to dig five layers deep to access the pit above the magma.

I said depending on location, you may or may not have a magma pool that close to the surface.
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Dekon

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Re: The Devious New Elven Plot REVEALED! (Dun dun DUUUN)
« Reply #7 on: April 24, 2010, 08:44:43 pm »

Another good means would be to build an atom smasher, raise it, and build a trade depot beneath it.  much simpler.  Not as fun, but simpler.
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Rolan7

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Re: The Devious New Elven Plot REVEALED! (Dun dun DUUUN)
« Reply #8 on: April 24, 2010, 08:51:18 pm »

Another good means would be to build an atom smasher, raise it, and build a trade depot beneath it.  much simpler.  Not as fun, but simpler.

Simple, but sadly impossible.  At least I think so, I've never tried it.
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She/they
No justice: no peace.
Quote from: Fallen London, one Unthinkable Hope
This one didn't want to be who they was. On the Surface – it was a dull, unconsidered sadness. But everything changed. Which implied everything could change.

Dekon

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Re: The Devious New Elven Plot REVEALED! (Dun dun DUUUN)
« Reply #9 on: April 24, 2010, 08:59:12 pm »

Might have to try...  I'm seriously pissed about what these elves have done to my framerate

Heh.. It's funny, but your avatar looks like a dwarf's bent over trying to pull a hammer out of his backside.
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Rolan7

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Re: The Devious New Elven Plot REVEALED! (Dun dun DUUUN)
« Reply #10 on: April 24, 2010, 09:25:00 pm »

Might have to try...  I'm seriously pissed about what these elves have done to my framerate

Heh.. It's funny, but your avatar looks like a dwarf's bent over trying to pull a hammer out of his backside.

... Considering his maniacal smile, that's a little disturbing to imagine.
Well, I guess it would be disturbing anyway.
Also don't blame me!  It's edited from the intro video, except he now has an adamantine hammer, and possibly a fell mood.

Back on topic: Clearly we need bouyancy, so we can flood the caravans in various liquids to filter out what we don't want.  I imagine it something like this:

1) Flood with water to get the wood away
2) Flood with magma to destroy everything except iron and magma-proof stone
...
Guess we don't really need bouyancy at all, hey!
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She/they
No justice: no peace.
Quote from: Fallen London, one Unthinkable Hope
This one didn't want to be who they was. On the Surface – it was a dull, unconsidered sadness. But everything changed. Which implied everything could change.

PopeRichardCorey

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Re: The Devious New Elven Plot REVEALED! (Dun dun DUUUN)
« Reply #11 on: April 25, 2010, 03:14:18 am »

The solution to this "layers of caverns" issue is to pierce the heavens caverns themselves beneath the depot.  The elves will get a beautiful moment of our precious glittering caverns before experiencing the wonder that is having all the fat melt off of you.

Watch them to make sure they don't turn into Tormuses.
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And when you build your fortress walls from the bones of skeletal elephants, slain my weapons forged from melted goblin plunder, fed on cattle that graze on grass that blinks.  Then, you will know dwarfdom.

Caesar

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Re: The Devious New Elven Plot REVEALED! (Dun dun DUUUN)
« Reply #12 on: April 25, 2010, 06:09:07 am »

Why taint our magma by submerging them in it? Just store magma underneath and on the sides of the deposit.

Then just fill the chamber with water..

And voíla! Elven stew.
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Spider Overhaul
Adding realistic spiders to Dwarf Fortress. (Discontinued.)

Godhood VIII
The latest installment in the Godhood roleplaying game series.