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[Digital Hellhound]

I'm not liking all these people shooting and stabbing my way. Let's deal with the guards first, okay? Then we can kill him together.

[lawastooshort]

Mission One: Mister O’Reilly: 1.6

Brush off the wound and pain, and head deeper in the direction of Mr. O'Reilly. Away from the flames.

"Was it something I said?" wonders Father Pax, brushing off the fetid stench of rejection before stalking further into the burning villa.

…He comes to a door from behind which comes the sound of violent no quarter combat.

He gently opens the door and peeks through.

Dozens of bullets come flying wildly his way!

Shoot the feck out of that feckin’ priest Auburn

The target has his twin submachine guns out, and is unloading clip after clip upon first Father Anderson, and now Father Auburn!

…Mister O’Reilly misses entirely!

”Feckarse! Johnson,” he shouts to Armed Guard 1 as Father Auburn approaches, ”Get me the feck away from these crazy feckers! Shite!”

Continue gunfight with Father Crimson

In the next room his other faithful guard is still pinned down by Father Crimson’s gunfire: he takes partial cover behind a coffee table and pokes his pistol over the top, unloading a pair of shots at the rabid priest.

…He panics and misses entirely! He starts to eye the nearest exit!

Grab O'Reilly into a stranglehold and use him as a body shield. Back slowly out of the room (in case of failure, do so quickly)

”Feck!” cries Father Auburn as dozens of bullets fly almost aimlessly about, ”Arse! Nobody move or the big fecker gets it! This Bible has really sharp feckin’ edges, y'know!”

…He tries to grab Mister O’Reilly by the neck, slips in some passing retchjuice, and flees as quick as he can out of the room!

After the target is grabbed (and thus immobilized and likely unable to fight back), stab him through the throat with one of my blades, throwing a second at the guard's stomach and drawing a third, since that one's out of the question for usin' right now.

As Father Auburn flees backwards, Father Alexanderson darts forward!

Knife in hand, he lunges at Mister O’Reilly’s throatmeat, …and completely misses!

He then lobs a second holy blade at …the waste paper basket in the corner of the room, piercing the side and tearing the contents!

Father Alexanderson draws a third holy blade as Feckarse Johnson aims his pistol.

360 noscope Mr. O'Reilly if Father Auburn presents him to me on a silver platter (or distracts him, or whatever). Otherwise, my mad aiming skillz shall be unleashed on the arse-sniping guard.

Father “Mad Skillz Lol” Crimson, in the dining room, leaps from the cover of one sofa to another, blasting his AK in the vague direction of his opponent Armed Guard Two as he does so.

Puffs of feathers explode from nearby cushions!

…But that’s it.

If I see something that could be vaguely interpreted as a sign from God to take the shot at the pipe, do so. Otherwise take aim at the escaping guard. Witnesses, you know. Can't have 'em.

In a bit of a tough position, Father Nkutu realises that there is but only one right choice in this situation. And that is to turn to the Lord.

"Lord, if you want me to take advantage of the marvelous gas pipe in my sight and possibly incinerate my fellow feckin' priests along with the gobshite I'm actually here for, give me a sign! If you want those eejit servants to live outside your realm as penance for longer, abstain from giving me anything like a sign!"

…Just then, a passing van backfires just below the fervent priest. The tremendous and shocking bang horrifically startles Father Nkuto!

Somehow, who knows how, as if by an act of the Lord, the trigger is pulled!

…The shot, as if guided from above, is perfect!

The pipe bursts.

The contents meet the flames.

The burning villa explodes, much as if struck by an ungodly combination of giant rocket propelled grenade and giant Molotov cocktail!

Crikey!

…Father Crimson is flung unharmed but burning to the floor! …Father Anderson’s finger is blown off! …Father Auburn is untouched and cowering in the corner of burning Room 1! …Father Pax is saved as if by a miracle! …Mister O’Reilly is protected by a passing waste paper basket! …Both of the armed guards receive bodies full of jagged flying debris! They retch violently with the shock!

And then the priests and bad men realise they are aflame! Grown men run screaming and naked as howls of burning echo throughout the burning ruined villa, …and Father Auburn collapses to the ground, deceased!   

Drop and roll! Drop and roll! Shoot Father Anderson!

...Feckarse Johnson luckily manages to keep his wits about him, and manages to drop and roll! …Unfortunately he neglects to aim at Father Anderson when he shoots the lucky priest!

Spoiler: Map of the target area (click to show/hide)

…   …   …   …   …   …

Spoiler: Players (click to show/hide)

Name: Father Nkutu, formerly known as Father Curran, Harry Baldman
Health: [10/10] | Overwatching main entrance on a roof
Skills: Tis But a Flesh Wound!
Inventory: Sniper rifle

Name: Father Crimson, Errol
Health: [7/10] | Naked | Burning | Room 3
Skills: Competent Bullshiter
Inventory: Assault rifle

Name: Father Alexander Anderson, ragnarok97071
Health: [2/10] | Naked |Burning | Room 4
Skills: Competent Bayonet User
Inventory: Blessed Bayonet

Name: Father Auburn, Digital Hellhound
Health: [-1/10] | Naked | Burning | Deceased
Skills: Competent Heathen Impersonator
Inventory: Armoured Bible

Name: Father Pax, Tiruin
Health: [1/10]  | Naked |Burning | Room 4
Skills: Competent Flashbang User
Inventory: Flashbang

Name: Mister O’Reilly, Target
Health: [1/10] | Naked | Burning
Skills: None!
Inventory: Two x Submachine gun

Name: Armed Guard One
Health: [3/8] | Naked | Room 4 with Mister O’Reilly and Father Anderson | Pistol

Name: Armed Guard Two
Health: [1/8] | Naked | Burning | Room 3 with Father Crimson | Pistol | Partial Cover

Unique Special Priestly Discretion Level Ups Available if You Survive!
Father Nkuto: Take The Shots!
Father Crimson: Geronimo!
Father Pax: Hot Steamy Latin!

[Digital Hellhound]

Are you kidding me? I survive all that and then some stupid flames kill me? I don't like you anymore, lawas.

Getting killed by the actions of a fellow priest was a given, though. 

[Harry Baldman]

Aim along the ruins, looking for gobshites, particularly watching out for Mr. O'Reilly. If no gobshites can be seen, take aim at that fecker that came running out naked a while ago (guard or something) if I can still see him. If the visible gobshites happen to be fellow priests, don't shoot them and ignore them (though that may be difficult, given that everyone's naked and burning). They've suffered enough if they survived what happened, Lord bless 'em.

[Errol]

QUICK, KILL THAT FECKER O'REILLY BEFORE THE FLAMES GET THE KILL. THEN GET THE FECK OUT OF THE RUINS, STOP, DROP, ROLL AND APPLY HOLY WATER.

[Tiruin]

Gunfire..

Stay in cover and wait to subdue anyone who comes through that door! If no gunshots are heard, examine the room where the shots came from, cautiously.

[ragnarok97071]

KILL THE TARGET. PUT OUT THE FLAMES. KILL THE TARGET SOME MORE.

[lawastooshort]

Mission One: Mister O’Reilly: 1.7

Take down Father Anderson and put out Mister O’Reilly. Move towards the exit!

In the flames and smoke of Room 4, Feckarse Johnson the Armed Guard blasts his pistol at Father  Anderson, …misses completely, …completely fails to extinguish the flames raging all over Mister O’Reilly’s naked body, and panics.

He starts dragging his screaming and fecking employer out towards the entrance corridor.

Drop and Roll! Escape out the ruined wall!

A few doors away, in Mister O’Reilly’s ex-living room, Armed Guard One’s colleague and brother in arms, Armed Guard Two, is also on fire! He drops! He rolls! …He rolls straight into a nearby gas canister, exploding it …and severing his legs off!

The nearby Father Crimson, ever alert with his cat like reactions, dives …directly into the blast, and doesn’t even get time to utter one last cry of feck as his head exits the building!

The huge blast rips through the western side of the villa, reducing it to rubble!

Armed Guard Two and Father Crimson are severely deceased!

Aim along the ruins, looking for gobshites, particularly watching out for Mr. O'Reilly. If no gobshites can be seen, take aim at that fecker that came running out naked a while ago (guard or something) if I can still see him. If the visible gobshites happen to be fellow priests, don't shoot them and ignore them (though that may be difficult, given that everyone's naked and burning). They've suffered enough if they survived what happened, Lord bless 'em.

…Outside, perhaps too busy saying Hail Marys to concentrate, Father Nkuto spies no one through the scope of his rifle. He wonders what happened to the guard that got away.

KILL THE TARGET. PUT OUT THE FLAMES. KILL THE TARGET SOME MORE.

Back in Room 4, Father Anderson, burning and having just narrowly missed death at the hands of Feckarse Johnon, …narrowly misses inflicting death on Feckarse Johnson’s employer!

Shouting and cursing, he rolls about on the …floor until he is quite thoroughly deceased!

Stay in cover and wait to subdue anyone who comes through that door! If no gunshots are heard, examine the room where the shots came from, cautiously.

Outside of Room 4, Father Pax lurks behind the door, waiting for O’Reilly and his guard to burst through.

O’Reilly and his guard burst through!

…Father Pax lunges forward in a desperate attempt to subdue them, but instead …keels over in front of them, burning and deceased!

Feck! Arse! Put out that shiting fire!

 …Father Pax just misses Mister O’Reilly, who also collapses to the floor.

Mister O’Reilly is quite deceased!

…   …   …   …   …   …

Spoiler: Players (click to show/hide)

Name: Father Nkutu, formerly known as Father Curran, Harry Baldman
Health: [10/10] | Overwatching main entrance on a roof
Skills: Tis But a Flesh Wound!
Inventory: Sniper rifle

Name: Father Crimson, Errol
Health: [-9/10] | Naked | Burning | Room 3 | Deceased!
Skills: Competent Bullshiter
Inventory: Assault rifle

Name: Father Alexander Anderson, ragnarok97071
Health: [-2/10] | Naked |Burning | Room 4 | Deceased!
Skills: Competent Bayonet User
Inventory: Blessed Bayonet

Name: Father Auburn, Digital Hellhound
Health: [-1/10] | Naked | Burning | Deceased!
Skills: Competent Heathen Impersonator
Inventory: Armoured Bible

Name: Father Pax, Tiruin
Health: [-2/10]  | Naked |Burning | Room 4 | Deceased!
Skills: Competent Flashbang User
Inventory: Flashbang

Name: Mister O’Reilly, Target
Health: [-1/10] | Naked | Burning | Deceased!
Skills: None!
Inventory: Two x Submachine gun

Name: Armed Guard One
Health: [3/8] | Naked | Escaping out the entrance corridor | Pistol

Name: Armed Guard Two
Health: [-3/8] | Naked | Burning | Room 3 with Father Crimson | Pistol | Partial Cover | Deceased!

Oh dear. That was slightly farcical. Errr stand by for mission 2? Hmm. Perhaps this is too silly.

Unique Special Priestly Discretion Level Ups Available if You Survive!
Father Nkuto: Take The Shots!

[Digital Hellhound]

...well, now I feel bad with complaining about dying. I wonder what the Bishop will think.

[Harry Baldman]

See if anybody escapes from the ruins that isn't a priest. Take aim at them. Then shoot them. Repeatedly.

Say a Hail Mary, congratulate self on job extremely messily done.  Examine the site through the scope. Look if something like a safe may have survived the destruction. If nothing of the sort can be located, head back to my den in the God-knows-where and deposit equipment. Then await call from Bishop Lennan, and if he doesn't call, then go see him some time later. Wherever he may be.

If I do see a safe, judge if I could retrieve it safely before firefighters arrive. If not, just leave.

[Tiruin]

...well, now I feel bad with complaining about dying. I wonder what the Bishop will think.

This is all your fault and I didn't get to use my stun grenade :I

[lawastooshort]

Ok due to overwhelming popular demand I think Hitsisters will also be allowed if Mission Two goes ahead.

[Digital Hellhound]

I didn't get to swear in French, unauthorized swearing penalty be damned. I think in the grand scale of things that's a bit more important.

Also;
Name: Mother Superior Superior
Health: [10/10]
Skills: Competent Martial Artist (Mother Superior Superior is the mistress of the countless mystical fighting arts of the Emerald Isle and the even more mysterious east (that is, Wales))
Inventory: Fireproof Habit (The Mother Superior's habit has been laced with fireproof materials to protect her against the most common danger of the clergy)
Additional details or bio: Superior was the Mother Superior of St. Callidus' Home of Permanent Pacification, a secluded Irish convent, until it burned down in a freak accident. Since then, Mother Superior Superior has vowed to fight flames and eliminate enemies of the church wherever they may be found.

[Toaster]

Father Nkutu has really figured it out here.  Just let the rest of the crack team of experts go in the building ahead and stay behind.  Almost certain success when the rest of the team obliterates the place, themselves, and the target!

[lawastooshort]

Mission Two: Mister O’Donnell

”SO… NO FECKIN’ SAFE THEN?”

…”Eerm no sir, not a feckin’ thing. Burnt to a great big feckin’ pile of ashes, so it was your grace.”

”AND THAT GOBSHITE O’REILLY?”

”Quite severely feckin’ deceased sir. I saw him burn to tiny feckin’ pieces through me righteous scope, so I did, and then one of the firefighters accidentally put a feckin’ axe through the ashes as he knocked down one of the doors, and then the feckin’ cops arrived, so I fecked right off.”

”AND ER… I NOTICE THAT THERE SEEM TO BE RATHER FEWER OF YOU THAN AT THE START OF THE MISSION? WOULD YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT, FATHER FECKIN’ NKUTO? EH?”

”Erm.”

”RIGHT. WELL. AS AGREED, HERE’S YER FIVE HUNDRED GOLD FECKIN’ EUROS. INVEST THEM OR BUY AN ITEM OF EQUIPMENT FROM ME FECKIN’ ARMOURER. EVERYTHING’S FIVE HUNDRED GOLD FECKIN’ EUROS.”

Bishop Lennan hands over a heavy looking envelope to Father Nkuto and looks back up. After Father Nkuto rejoins the ranks of his fellow priests and, rather unorthodoxly, what appears to be a feckin’ nun, the Bishop speaks again.

”RIGHT. YOU MIGHT BE WONDERING JUST WHAT THE FECK WE’RE DOING IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT IN ROLLY ISLAND FECKIN’ DAIRY. I’LL FECKIN’ TELL YOU. AS SOME OF YOU MIGHT KNOW,” he glances towards Father Lars, ”SOME PEOPLE OWE ME FAVOURS FOR FAVOURS WE’VE DONE THEM. NOW, FOR THIS JOB WE NEED SOME DISCREET FECKIN’ TRANSPORT. AND WHAT’S MORE DISCREET THAN A FECKIN’ MILK FLOAT? NOTHING, THAT’S WHAT, AND DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT FECKIN’ WELL ANSWERING BACK. IT’S ELECTRIC. IT’S QUIET. IT’S DISCREET. ALTHOUGH IF ONE OF YOU FECKIN’ EEJITS IS AFRAID OF THE SHEER SPEED YOU CAN BORROW ME PUSHBIKE FOR THIS ONE TIME. THERE’S NOT ENOUGH MILK FLOATS FOR ONE EACH ANYWAY.”

Several eyebrows are raised at both Bishop Lennan and at fellow men and woman of the cloth.

”YOU ALL KNOW MR O’DONNELL, RIGHT? WELL, HE’S A FECKIN’ GOBSHITE. IF THAT WEREN’T ENOUGH, HE’S ONLY GONE AND FECKIN’ STOLEN THE KEY TO THE COMMUNION WINE CUPBOARD FROM CREGGENBAUM CHURCH! HOW THE FECK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO CORRECTLY MASS WITHOUT THE FECKIN COMMUNION WINE? I’LL FECKIN’ TELL YOU: WE AREN’T.”

Several astonished and shocked gasps are heard in the silence of the night. More than one assassin lets a cry of ”Shite!” or ”Feck!” escape.

”AND IF THAT WEREN’T ENOUGH, I’VE JUST BEEN INFORMED HE’S FLEEING TO ROLLY ISLAND FECKIN’ AIRPORT, WITH THE INTENTION OF TAKING THE KEY TO BRAZIL AND HOLDING IT TO RANSOM. HE’S STOLEN A MILK FLOAT AND HE’S ON HIS WAY NOW. CATCH HIM BEFORE HE GETS ON BOARD THAT PLANE AND ELIMINATE THE LITTLE SHITE. THERE’S FOUR MILK FLOATS AND A BICYCLE WAITING OUTSIDE THE DAIRY. ANY QUESTIONS?”

Bishop Lennan doesn’t wait for any questions.

”RIGHT. GOOD. FECKIN’ GO!”

He leads the way through the main garage of the dairy and through a side door to where four milk floats stand with their engines ticking over. The Bishop’s own bicycle leans next to the nearby fence.

Suddenly there’s the whir of a speeding electric motor!

”SHITE! THERE’S THE LITTLE FECKER! HE’S GETTING AWAY! JUMP IN AND GET THE EEJIT!”

Mr O’Donnell is heading down the main road towards Termonfeckin at over four miles per hour! Stop him before he reaches the safety of the airport!
…   …   …   …   …   …

Spoiler: Players (click to show/hide)

Name: Father Nkutu, formerly known as Father Curran, Harry Baldman
Health: [14/14]
Skills: Tis But a Flesh Wound! | Tough Gobshite
Inventory: Sniper rifle

Name: Father Lars, Toaster
Health: [10/10]
Skills: Competent Arsonist
Inventory: 2x Molotov

Name: Father Fusco Jr., Greenstarfanatic
Health: [10/10]
Skills: Competent Melee Artist
Inventory: Knife

Name: Father John 'Don't'cha Know' Reilly, micelus
Health: [10/10]
Skills: Competent Masser
Inventory: Sniper rifle

Name: Mother Superior Superior, Digital Hellhound
Health: [10/10]
Skills: Competent Melee Artist
Inventory: Fireproof Habit

P.S. Father Nkuto can select an item to buy from the shop en route to the milk floats. Also, any new priests will always start at one level below the average ranking priest, or something like that, so they will never be completely underpowered yet the veterans can still luxuriate in the eliteness of being a veteran.