Journal of Feb TheCheeseMaker, 3 Limestone, 202Well, I would say plan SaD is a total success. We now have more food and drink than we could ever need, all our dead have all been buried, and the king has been crushed under twenty-seven tons of rock. In fact, I would say that our circumstances have never been better.
…
Crap.
10 Limestone, 202
That actually went much better than expected. The ‘siege’ consisted of about fifteen goblins armed with bows and crossbows. Even though our barely-trained militia was mostly busy getting drunk, the two dwarves who bothered to actually fight our mortal enemies (Pikachu17 and the militia commander Erith-Something) managed to massacre the entire army.
Pikachu17 distinguished himself by taking a direct hit to the throat, and still managed to fight on, taking only one minor foot wound and killing 6 more goblins. If I had a medal to give to him, I would. Unfortunately, I don’t have a medal, and so instead I’ll just kill him along with everyone else.
23 Limestone, 202The caravan and outpost liaison arrived today.
With them they brought news that a new king had taken power after the short but eventful reign of…the old king. (What was his name Myrian? Melron? Melon? Well, whatever he didn’t do anything anyway.)
I ask the liaison to provide us with only the most important necessities for next year. Do you know what can be done with bumblebee venom? Well, if you put it on the end of a sharp, masterwork, steel spear, then very gently stab someone in the neck with it, the venom could kill them, if they’re allergic. I assign that plan the codename Operation Bumble-B (the B stands for Bee) to be used in case Operation MERDer fails.
We hit a slight snag in bringing goods to the trade depot, as in we put the depot in the middle of the evil rain. Some dwarves decided they would rather ‘rest in the hospital’ rather than deciding to ‘bring item to depot with only moderately rotting eyes.’
Once we finally got all our trade goods to the depot, I order all our adamantine to be traded for some of the merchant’s food. I know that I gave away our entire stash of adamantine, but I have a good reason for it. You see, as far as capitalism goes, those who offer the best price sell the most merchandise. An entire vein’s worth of pure adamantine is by far the best price anyone can get, meaning that the merchants will always come back to us, rather than our competitors. Our fortress now controls the economic activity of the entire fortress!
13 Timber, 202
We have a problem. Remember the ‘minor foot injury’ suffered by Pikachu17 in last month’s siege? Well, he decided to not go to the hospital and instead just wait for someone to take him there to be healed. No one ever did, and Pikachu is refusing to sleep until he gets there.
If he stays like this, he’ll go insane and eventually die. So I have devised an insanely clever plan to heal him. First, we construct a floor above his head, then we drop it on him, killing him and allowing him to be moved to the hospital to be evaluated for injuries. I dub the plan Operation Now I’m just killing people for fun, or Operation Now I’m killing people for fun, for short.
I’m proud to say that the plan was entirely successful. Unfortunately, the doctors said that ‘death’ was an affliction apparently impossible to recover from.
27 Timber, 202
A werebeast attacked today. A group of citizens and military, who were already outside to haul various items or to train outdoors to get rid of cave adaption, rush forward to fight the beast, and much like the goblin siege it was a massacre…
…On the dwarves, this time, though. I would like to say we eventually killed the beast, but we didn’t. Instead it killed a bunch of dwarves, bit many who it didn’t outright kill, then transformed into a goblin and ran off.
Fortunately, nobody important died (importance wise, it’s just me who matters. I could lose anyone else and not care, but only I can kill myself in order to gain my revenge on…the people I want revenge on).
2 Opal, 202We have a slight problem.
The murky, bacteria infested pool where we got the water to give to our critically wounded hospital patients froze over during the winter. We now cannot quench the thirst of the injured from the werebeast attack.
As of right now, between six and fifteen dwarves are dying of dehydration. Every month, two to three of these dwarves turn into werebeasts and kill a few more dwarves, each, and infect a few others, before either dying or changing back. The kitchens are filled with rotting food which we can’t move to stockpiles because there’s no room. We can’t get any more room because all our miners are dead. A few dwarves have gone berserk from strange mood failures, and our deaths outnumber our coffin making abilities. I tell everyone to stay calm, because with Operation MERDer almost complete, everyone is going to die anyway. This earned me a few chuckles from the others, before they returned to their pathetic sobbing because ‘their entire family is dead’ and other crap like that.
1 Granite, 203Operation MERDer is finished! To celebrate, I order everyone, citizens, military, and nobles alike, to join me for a party in the newly refurbished dining hall. And I’m pleased to say, I think everyone had a really good time.
You know, before I killed them all.
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