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[CaptainArchmage]

Myself, I consider the project a failure when it fails it's intended purpose (lycantrophic fort having only 15 deaths would be pretty neat), though I suppose if you have 15 immigrants plummet to their deaths when digging out magma piston it begs the question of not setting up woodburners.

Admittedly, plummeting to death like that would have paper-thin veneer of purpose beyond being artistically pleasing, but....

*Thinks of Constructivory's bell tower capable of encompassing multiple fortresses*

Eh. Calling another overseer's work shithole...when walking from one end of embark to another is better is a matter of bird eye perspective.

LOTS OF REPORTING TO DO RIGHT NOW.

Seasonal Report, 5th Hematite, 7



So, when Spring came to an end, which was like today five days ago, I MADE THIS FUCKING REPORT! We have 67 dwarves. All are dwarves. No humans, elves, goblins, or other fantastic intelligent beings who stumbled out of the closet from a fucking rave, which tells me we need a bigger party room, some disco gems, and a lot more rock music. MAYBE I NEED TO ORDER SOME MORE ROCK INSTRUMENTS. We are up to 346,699 Suns of wealth, which is really cool. We've got a lot of booze and "other food" that's probably going to get drunk. No meat or fish, which also tells me we need to buy some meat or hunt shit, but there's reasons I don't like hunting shit.

Speaking of shit, someone brought up the issue about whether the earthworks and old living arrangements are a shithole. YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO SOIL? IT'S OFTEN PASSED OUT OF FUCKING EARTHWORMS' ASSHOLES. IT'S LITERALLY SHIT WITH SOME MINERAL FRAGMENTS THROWN IN. WE'VE LITERALLY MINED OUT SOME HOLES IN EARTHWORM SHIT. I hope it's not the bigger earthworms though. THOSE ARE REALLY FUCKING SCARY.

In the meantime after finishing the main works, I had a new complex carved out underground for the water supply management, and we're building the pimping station to literally pimp the water out of that river and into the bowels of our fortress. Oh, and some dwarves will have to move for the well rooms to go in, but they're going to be feeling EVEN MORE REALLY FUCKING WELL AFTER THEY GET THOSE BARFROOMS TO TRY OUT! Sorry about that, if you have to move. No really.

General Report, 9th Hematite, 7



HUMAN CARAVAN SIGHTED! Also a guild representative, so I can make a FUCKING TRADE AGREEMENT. Nobody makes a fucking trade agreement like I do. I'm El Presidente Goddamnit. That way they don't make an ill-educated guess as to which type of leather thongs they need to deliver.

Ambassadorial Report, I think on 20th Hematite, 7



Goddamnit that's a lot of reports I have to make. So this guy came around from the Trade Guild, and only on the 20th started the trade talks.



Sounds like a lot of shit's going down in the world. Where the FUCK is Gearedclimates? Anyways I negotiated a deal for raw materials so we won't go sand-less or something, and we'll get food and wood delivered to top up our stores.



The humans want this stuff. I don't think we can do the instruments due to sand shortages, but we can do the figurines.



I wish the guild representative farewell and get back to work running the forges.

Fortress Report, 27 Hematite 7



So while trying to get stuff traded to the humans, by which I mean all the worn out clothing and crafts that didn't make quality control guidelines, I'm told there's a giant slug in the old dining room. Yes, there's a dead giant slug in the dining room. What the fuck man. WHAT THE FUCK MAN. Naturally, this is the work of some idiot hunter who either hunts stuff that can't be butchered like weasels, or drops things in the worst place possible. Having spent a few days to get that weasel butchered, and get some tanning workshops and butchers shops up, I promptly ban hunting since people can't do it right.



After going to The Sculpted Snacks, in the process of being smoothed out, this trapper dwarf shows up. She's got marble and gypsum dust all over her nose, and has muscles pointing out everywhere like she's been lifting platinum statues for a decade. She then shouts "DUDE I'VE HAD ENOUGH NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ANYTHING ABOUT MY GENERATION. I'M WORKING ON MY OWN THING FOR A BIT". Dude, I feel like I'm 88 years old and she's looking like 67. 21 years difference? That's not a big difference for a dwarf, but I guess it's almost two generations too for some. So, she then goes off and occupies a craftsdwarf shop upstairs and apparently starts collecting materials. I have high expectations of what we're going to see.

Craftsdwarf Report, 5th Malachite, 7




WELL AT THE START OF THE MONTH THE TRAPPER COLLECTED ENOUGH MATERIALS. Today we have a new artefact that's pretty good, along with a legendary craftsdwarf.



NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL AN ARTIFACT. YOU HAVE MADE EL PRESIDENTE PROUD. With the Trapper, I mean, Legendary Craftsdwarf out of her generational crisis, I ordered some mugs made.

Immigration Report, 12th Malachite 7



MORE MIGRANTS. We now have 75 dwarves with some useful skills. We also finally, have a visiting hammerman.

[CaptainArchmage]

Watch and Military Report, 14th Malachite 7



AS EL PRESIDENTE I HAVE NOW ORDERED SOME NEW SQUADS AND REORGANIZED THE MILITARY. WE NEED A FUCKING GOOD MILITARY AROUND HERE BECAUSE SHIT KEEPS HAPPENING LIKE THIS. NO. I TOTALLY DID NOT SEE THAT ONE FUCKING COMING. NO REALLY.



So the militia commander needed a squad of his own. HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU BE THE MILITIA COMMANDER AND NOT HAVE A FUCKING SQUAD. So then I have to name it. I get "The Crazed Crafts" suggested, but changed it to The Purple Legion. That's a great name. Cefist, go collect your old uniform and get ready to get that military position you've always wanted. No really.



Moobediah Jones decided to name his watch The Virtuous Crypts. I like it, so he's now the leader of The Virtuous Crypts. I still need to finish his watch house and project G.U.L.A.G. though.



So this migrant was different from the rest. While others had fantastic skills like appraisal, medicine, gelding, metalsmithing, and masonry, SHE DIDN'T HAVE ANY OTHER FUCKING SKILLS BESIDES BRAWLING. Also intimidation and a few others. She asked me to be in a squad, but didn't like the "Nobles of Shooting" title. DUDE, SERIOUSLY. WHO DOESN'T LIKE THAT NAME FOR A FUCKING SQUAD. Fine, I asked her what she wanted. She said she wanted to be a squad for the glory of the great nation of The Matched Swords and thinks "national" should be in the squad title and she should have a barracks. FINE. I'M EL PRESIDENTE GODDAMNIT I WILL FIND A DECENT NAME FOR YOUR SQUAD.



U HIPPY NOW M8?

Continues tomorrow with the quest for recovering all the shit dropped by the merchants, getting cows and bulls to pastures, and project G.U.L.A.G.

WILL CAPTAINARCHMAGE SURVIVE THE NEW BAR?

WILL THERE BE ALCOHOL POISONING?

WILL SOMEONE WALL THEMSELVES OFF BEHIND A FLOODGATE?

WILL A FORGOTTEN BEAST MADE OF FIRE CAUSE FPS-WRECKING INFERNOS IN THE CAVERNS?

[UnicodingUnicorn]

This seems fun, may I sign up please?

I can give you a dwarf, hopefully we can get you up on the main screen. Do you want a dwarf? What profession?

Progress is happening on the outdoor plumbing and aqueduct now.

Yay! Do you have any mechanics?

[Fleeting Frames]

Hahaha, well put.

Multicultural fortress...Hm, it is suitable multi-year endeavour for succession, I suppose.

Guild representive - fix-merchants dfhack, iirc?

Elves war! And win! Must be those giant elephants, those can kill dragons.

There's a saying about not looking giftslug in the eye. The eye is missing. The eye is oozing giftslug blood.

Wish gypsum bracelet was like having your arm already in cast.

Forbidden fish? uh-oh.

Yay, adequate armor user. Needs some teaching skill I guess? Or he can become one-dwarf tank.

[StelarCF]

Alright, it's puterking's turn now. Captain, I guess you'll PM me a link to the save? In the meantime I'll PM puterking.

UnicodingUnicorn, will you be taking a turn or only being dorfed? Just getting clarified ;p

[CaptainArchmage]

Alright, it's puterking's turn now. Captain, I guess you'll PM me a link to the save? In the meantime I'll PM puterking.

UnicodingUnicorn, will you be taking a turn or only being dorfed? Just getting clarified ;p

Upload to DFFD on: http://dffd.bay12games.com/file.php?id=12438

Note: Work in progress.

Paranormal Activity Report, 27th Malachite, 7



SO WE NOW HAVE A HAUNTING IN THIS FORTRESS. AND NOBODY IS MAKING ANY SLABS TO MEMORIALIZE THIS GUY.

Fortress Report, 8th Limestone, 7



So basically I let the fortress run smoothly until I realised it was FUCKING AUTUMN. Besides that whole ghost incident, we finally got a slab made and erected, and the ghost was put to rest.

So autumn, you know, when the trees on the surface change colour. Or their leaves do. I'm educated and shit and that's all what matters. Got to have an educated El Presidente. Turns out, the fortress did well. I'M EL PRESIDENTE GODDAMNIT.

OH RIGHT I SPENT THE TIME MAKING SURE THINGS LIKE THRONES AND TABLES WERE BEING MADE. ALSO SOME FLOODGATES. WE NEED FLOODGATES. ALSO MUGS THAT ACTUALLY MEET QUALITY CONTROL GUIDELINES.

BIG FORTRESS ANNOUNCEMENT, 9th Limestone, 7



THE HOUSE OF BOLTS IS NOW OPEN TO THE PUBLIC. I'M GOING, NATURALLY, TO BE THE FIRST SCHOLAR THERE. NOW YOU CAN GET YOURSELF A FUCKING EDUCATION.

BIG FORTRESS ANNOUNCEMENTS, 12th Limestone, 7

Keas made off with some of the junk we were trying to recover from the human traders FUCK. At least it was just cloth. It could have been worse, like cows in cages. I don't think that's physically possible but I'm not taking the chances. RIGHT AFTER SENDING OUT THE AXEDWARVES, EVERYONE GOT DIZZY. I think it's that cave adaptation shit.

I had a dumping ground designated in the old dining hall. Nobody designates dumping grounds like I do. The trash from outside was taken so the butcher's shop can deal with it. The good news is we don't need that dining hall anymore unless you really want a pile of junk in your face while you eat.



SO THE NEW TAVERN AND INN IS NOW IN BUSINESS! This was the old name. The Buff Orange. So I fixed it.



ELDERSTRUMPETS THE BUFF BLUE ORANGE IS NOW IN BUSINESS!

Trading Report, 21st Limestone 7



Four days ago our caravan FINALLY ARRIVED.



YEAH, RIGHT. WHAT ABOUT WHAT WE'VE BEEN DOING IN THIS FUCKING FORTRESS?



The outpost liason made an export and an import agreement with us. This is the import agreement to Onionbread.



This is the export agreement from Onionbread to the caravan.



FINALLY WE GOT SOME GOOD MONEY FOR ROASTS. A lot of high quality prepared meals have now been sold, and we've gotten a lot more food, metal, stone, wood, and other essentials. In other news, after ordering three backpacks, the mayor then banned their export. We're not exporting any backpacks anyways.

STRANGE MOOD AND MIGRATION REPORT OH MY GOD, 21st Sandstone 7



Three days ago, another dwarf, this time a planter, decided to withdraw from society after taking a shit by the river and took over one of the craftsdwarfs shops.



He takes up the supplies very quickly and gets to work. I hope this is good.



THEN WE GET SOME MORE MIGRANTS. I'm not even looking over this for now, I have to get the control system for the plumbing all set up at the top of the hill.

Artifact Report, 25th Sandstone 7



This artifact is awesome.



THIS ARTIFACT IS AWESOME! Also we have a new legendary stonecrafter.

Pimping Report, 28th Sandstone, 7



THANK THE LORD PIMPSTACK ALPHA IS NOW PIMPING. Now to make all the rest of the plumbing fit for use, I'm putting down roads, floodgates, and wall grates to ensure the plumbing won't clog with plants, and pressure can be regulated, and SHIT CAN GENERALLY BE CONTROLLED WITHOUT LEAVING OUR FORT UNDERWATER.

End of Autumn Report, 1st Moonstone, 7



Population is up to 84 dwarves, which means 9 migrated in here. The fortress continues to grow THANKS TO THE EFFORTS OF EL PRESIDENTE TO GET A WELL IN EVERY HOUSE AND A PIG TAIL FIBER SOCK IN EVERY CABINET.

Fortress Report, 23rd Moonstone, 7



Someone gave birth, bringing our population up to 85 dwarves. We're having a good number of visitors, and things are progressing along well.

Eviction Notice, 24th Moonstone, 7

Due to plumbing works, the residents of Apartment 10 in, 1 Urist Luther King Jr. Boulevard and Apartment 10 in 3 Urist Luther King Jr. Boulevard, along with the residents of Apartment 1 in 2 Urist Luther King Jr. Boulevard and also Apartment 1 in 4 Urist Luther King Boulevard are to leave immediately while those rooms are converted into well rooms.

MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT, 18th Opal, 7



No really. This controls a new portcullis that will protect our fortress safely, without crushing any dwarves like a drawbridge. WE'RE GOING TO PUT IN THE DRAWBRIDGE SOMETIME THOUGH. NOT SURE WHEN.

Fortress Journal, 23rd Opal, 7



With the plumbing complete enough, I have Cefist turn on the water flow to the fortress. The control room is atop the hill so it cannot be flooded. On the way he gets sick and coats the entire room FROM CEILING TO FLOOR IN FUCKING VOMIT. I think we have a serious sun allergy going on. Also, we now have water in the fortress wells.

Immigration Report, 27th Opal, 7



FUCKING FINALLY SOMEONE ASKS FOR PERMANENT RESIDENCE. I APPROVE.

Plumbing Report, 28th Opal, 7



We will finally have water down to the lowest levels of the fortress once the lever in the mayor's office is pulled. Including to my new house down here.

Justice Report, 10th Obsidian, 7

Project G.U.L.A.G. has to be finished by the end of the year, so I'm installing a big jail in next to the watch house. I thought it would be the armory, but this will do.

Mandate Report and IMPORTANT STUFF, 25th Obsidian, 7



The mayor just ordered some large gems made. Someone else may have to finish this as my term is DAMN WELL NEAR FUCKING UP.



This drawbridge will shut off the fortress. Close it after the portcullis. Controls are in Elderstrumpets.

END OF YEAR REPORT, 1ST GRANITE, 8



THE YEAR IS FUCKING OVER! We've managed to double the fortress population or there about, and of course the plumbing is in and the fortress is safer.



This is the current plan of Urist Luther King Jr. Boulevard. Those stockpiles will have to be laid down so Elderstrumpets can have easy access to food. The southern apartments are connected up to water, but the northern ones are not, and the drain needs to be dug for those.



In other news, the temple complex has been finished serving most dwarves in the fortress. It is opposite the mayoral mansion. AND WITH THAT I'M OFF TO PARTY AND CONTEMPLATE VALVES. GOOD FUCKING LUCK TO THE NEXT PRESIDENT. *MICDROP*

Alright. It's done. Just watch out for the lever labeling, and make sure those mandates get completed. There's probably some trash shoved away in parts of the fortress that could be cleaned up too. Also when the water starts flowing, it lags a lot until the plumbing is full. Then it goes back up to normal levels. We're in a savage area so watch out for dangerous wildlife!

[UnicodingUnicorn]

UnicodingUnicorn, will you be taking a turn or only being dorfed? Just getting clarified ;p

A turn, please?

[Fleeting Frames]

Doing waterworks is fun!

That smoothed wall in the new tavern looks like it could be stepped over!

Wells get bedrooms?

Generally huge as fuck, though what's through the 25 up/down stairs? with just 1 wide passage might have a traffic jam.

[CaptainArchmage]

Doing waterworks is fun!

That smoothed wall in the new tavern looks like it could be stepped over!

Wells get bedrooms?

Generally huge as fuck, though what's through the 25 up/down stairs? with just 1 wide passage might have a traffic jam.

It was fun, but took up a lot of time. I had breaks taken and most of the time taken on my turn was figuring out how to place the pipes.

The wall in Elderstrumpets the Buff Blue Orange is three tiles thick so it can fit a mine cart terminal, sewage outlet, pipe, or just a lava cleaning device.

The houses near the Mayor's house get wells. They're usually connected to the bedroom or statue room but the mayor's house has the well in the entry hall. I did this design a long time ago and there was also a staircase in the well room or next to it to reach another floor of the house.

The 25 up/down stairs were there when I took over the fortress, so I didn't do them.

[Senshuken]

This is the first time I've ever seen someone start a major project and manage to finish it in their turn without screwing the fortress over in a major way somehow. Well done CaptainArchmage... Now let's see how long it'll be before one of your successors somehow buggers the whole piping system up.

[CaptainArchmage]

This is the first time I've ever seen someone start a major project and manage to finish it in their turn without screwing the fortress over in a major way somehow. Well done CaptainArchmage... Now let's see how long it'll be before one of your successors somehow buggers the whole piping system up.

That's because we didn't have to put in a lot of mechanisms and pumps and I've done this project before. More than once. If we were building a magma pumpstack I'd have given it another few years. The foundation of this project is literally just aqueduct (arguably not needed) and a shaft down through the fortress that stops in the caverns. The most time consuming part was the aqueduct, but we had a lot of dwarves.

The piping will be buggered up when someone kills a goblin in there and pollutes the whole thing.

[StelarCF]

I'm confirming that Puterking has replied and I've sent him the link to the save file. Once he confirms he's taken it he'll have 2 weeks to do his turn.

[puterking]

I almost certainly know I am going to fuck something up.

CHAPTER 1

So a few years back, a bunch of dwarves got together and set off into the wilderness, supposedly to found a new fort or something, I didn't really keep track of news, I was too busy here at the mountainhome guarding the entrance and keeping weretoads from killing every poor bastard here. So they headed off, packed their wagon, said their farewells, and everything was that. But then out of the blue, the kin- I mean glorious president tells me to take up leadership there! I'm a bit excited, but mostly nervous, since all I've ever done is be a guard, and I've never took charge of anything but chopping up gobbos. but something tells me this might turn out okay.



DAY 1 OF ONIONBEARD

Well, I am certainly out of luck in this dump. This is supposedly the fortress of Onionbeard. Everyone kept telling me it was called "Onionbread", but I prefer my way of putting it. I should probably read the labels first, though. There are like a million levers and notes that barely explain what they do. Apparently the former ruler made some sort of plumbing system, or well system or whatever? I thought dwarves couldn't poop.

As my first order of business, I kick out the present mayor, because I'm the boss now. Whether that will have future repercussions I don't know. I know the dude wanted gems or something, but that doesn't matter no more.

I decide to smoothen Onionbeard Avenue and it's adjacent rooms. Of course it wont be completed until the rest of the designated rooms are smoothened out, but whatever.

DAY 2 OF ONIONBEARD

I am beyond offended by the blatant ignorance of the previous president! They build all these temples to other gods, yet they ignore the highest of them all, Melbil the Holy? This must remedied immediately. I designate the digging of a 2 z-level room, which will be the greatest temple within the entirety of this fortress, if I have anything to say about it.

DAY 8 OF ONIONBEARD

Well, the digging of the temple is now finished, now all it needs is some smoothening, the placement of a few statues, and it will be done. Maybe.

Another shabby excuse is the grave system in place. On my way here to Onionbeard, I smelled a foul odor coming from the river! At first I thought these dwarves were defecating into the river (note; I have realized of late that dwarves can poop. I always thought they could not, I especially haven't), but then I looked into the river, and I saw a dead body! AND THE WATER THAT THESE DWARVES ARE DRINKING IS COMING FROM THIS RIVER!

But this is only one of the many reasons why I wish to build a catacombs system. The only grave is near the surface, their corpses rotting in some foul coffin in a forgotten room. That is not how a dwarf should rest eternal. All dwarves, no matter how good or foul, deserve to be buried deep within the earth, in glorious stone halls and near the glory of Melbil and, most importantly, Armok. I begin to designate a catacombs system within the fortress. Hopefully, those who perish in the future will rest eternal in this grand mountain. In addition to all of this, I order the construction of many coffins, which will be placed here, to be the final bed of the lost souls of Onionbeard.

Ah yes, I have much work to do.

[CaptainArchmage]

1st Granite, 8

First day of the new year, first day of not being El Presidente in a year. I heard the new president, puttering, comment on dwarves not taking shits and DUDE SERIOUSLY MAN I CAN'T BELIEVE WE HAVE A FUCKING CONSTIPATION PROBLEM AROUND HERE. I DEMAND A COLONOSCOPY. I USE MY RESERVE POWERS IN MY PLATINUM LEVEL EL PRESIDENTE RETIREMENT PACKAGE TO USE IT FIRST.

2nd Granite, 8

COLONOSCOPY DONE, DIDN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH ANYONE ELSE'S SHIT. MAN, WE HAVE A CONSTIPATION PROBLEM. I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE THE EVIDENCE DIDN'T COME OUT EARLIER.

4th Granite, 8

Managed to convince the doctors to write me a prescription for some beans, giant slug meat, cheese, milk, and several goblets of swamp whiskey, everything finally came out. HOPE THAT WELL WAS FUCKING CONNECTED UP TO THE PLUMBING. Personally I'd order the room sealed for the rest of the season.

[Fleeting Frames]

You'd want well connected to sewage?

...Well, I suppose it is fine if it goes through an u-bend.