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[MonkeyHead]

Full disclosure, I hate golf. It is an environmental catastrophe enjoyed by those with far too much time and money.

That said, the 2002 game Sid Meiers SimGolf is an absolute riot. It was part of that era's SimEverything phase, with nods to other titles of its ilk containing content from SimCity and the Sims. It runs on anything more powerful than a potato, but as with any old game being made to run on a modern system against its will it is filled with many unusual quirks, which I know go down well here.

The long and the short of it is that I will play as myself, the inheritor of an undeveloped golf course. Y'all can be my "board", giving me whatever instructions you see fit. I will implement them, and then shenanigans will ensue when the poor punters show up to hit balls through whatever nonsense we end up with.

To develop the course, we will build holes. An array of options are at our disposal - grass, sand, rocks, water, trees and all the usual places golf balls go. We will also unlock buildings and suchlike as we go, which I will tell you about as and when they become relevant. If we build something that passes for a recognisable course we can play on it, and might even get to host tournaments which I can enter to win big bucks. Oh, and we can hire underlings to do our bidding, too.

... and like all good "lets play" games, nearly anything "named" can be renamed. So if you have ever wanted to be a hardworking greenskeeper you can now live your dream.

Our first choice? Well, its not really a choice. We have 4 locations we can choose from but only the cheapest makes sense if we want to make a profitable start. So, our course will be located in San Diego, where we can benefit from the mood boosting effects of a nearby pod of dolphins.

Spoiler: World Map (click to show/hide)

So, here is what we are presented with. Bay 12 Golf Club in all its glory. It doesnt look like much yet. Its also a little small, but we might just be able to expand it if we are fortunate.

Spoiler: What we have to work with... (click to show/hide)

Left of centre is our clubhouse. That represents the start and end point for the route our golfers will take.

The lil dude in the red shirt near it is me.

Our dolphin colony will make periodic appearances near the coast.

Note the clusters of rocks - these make a useful hazard that causes golf balls to bounce in strange directions. The cluster to the south has an interesting rock face as part of it which some golfers will like. The trees are also handy free hazards we can work with, and some golfers will like the pink ones.

We have the funds to set up 3 decent holes. What would the board suggest? We have a lot of freedom over location, length, style of hole, hazards, and so on. Let me know and I will build it for you!

The basic tools at our disposal:

You can work these out easily enough.

So, suggestions for 3 potential starter holes, please. 

[King Zultan]

I haven't heard of this one before, it'll be interesting to see how it works.

As for the golf course we could set up the first hole right behind the club house in that clearing.

[Haspen]

I approve of clearing hole, but I also think one across the rock field with the weird face sculpture could be fun

[MonkeyHead]

The board has issued its first instructions.

Hole 1

As for the golf course we could set up the first hole right behind the club house in that clearing.

Spoiler: Hole 1 (click to show/hide)

This was actually quite challenging. Space there is quite restrictive while also making a path that works. Also, it is very expensive to edit trees, so I tried to fit something in the gaps. We are left with a short par 4 with a slight right dogleg. A breeding pair of cranes decided to move in to this hole, for some reason. Hole 1 is going to reward accurate golfers. DRAMATIC FOREBODING: Anyone else is going to spend a lot of time in the trees.

Hole 2

I approve of clearing hole, but I also think one across the rock field with the weird face sculpture could be fun

Spoiler: Hole 2 (click to show/hide)

This was much easier, thanks to the space and natural hazards. It also ticks off a major challenge in this game - making par 5 holes that actually work. Sure, its short, but the trees and rocks will make this hole look really hard to players. It also gives our golfers a choice - to go short and avoid the trees, or to go for length. They often love/hate choosing, so this could indeed be fun. A second pair of cranes decided to make this hole thier new home. We seem to be attracting them for some reason.

Opening hole 2 unlocks our first building: the putting green.



Imaginative golfers pay us good caash to use this facility. Alas, it costs more than half the cash we have on hand, so it wont be built just yet.

Spoiler: Bay 12 Golf Club Map (click to show/hide)

So now we have two holes, lets try a practice round. The play mode is really simple. You basically click where you want to hit the ball. I mean, its golf, right? Of course, we need a golfer to play as...



... so here I am. Notice I added some skill points to our accuracy, as our course seems focussed on that so far.

Spoiler: The Practice Round (click to show/hide)

We are joined by Mahatma as my partner for our first round.

Our shot first. Our character remarked "Eeek I have to keep it away from the trees" - we may hear that a lot this hole. We hit the ball fading from right to left, bringing it to rest under a tree to the left of the fairway.  Mahatma shows no such care. He drives the ball hard and straight, landing his ball on the footpath short of the green. His "thoughts" showed he was choosing between going long or playing it safe. He chose poorly, but not as bad as us.

Shot 2. From under the tree we go for broke aiming at the green.

This fails horribly. We flub the shot, and the ball arcs through the air only to land under a tree on the other side of the fairway.

Our fun rating plummets, and along with it, our attitude rating. Without doing something good soon, we are going to continue to make bad shots. For shot 3, we play it safe, rolling the ball low from under the tree towards the hole...

This ends in predictable failure. We miss the green to the left, putting the ball under a third tree. MonkeyHead is about to lose it. Mahatma is ignoring our meltdown and admiring the wildlife.

For hit second shot, Mahatma chips the ball to within a few feet of the hole. Meanwhile, for shot 4...

With an outcome as predictable as you like.

Eventually we get the ball out from under the tree and into the hole in 6 shots. Somehow, we earn a few skill upgrades despite being a dogshit golfer. Mahatma holes in 3, smugly claming he liked that hole.

On to hole 2.

From the tee we aim at the fairway short of the cursed trees.

Mahatma can not resist taking the piss...

We hit a solid drive, landing short of the trees. A little close to them for my liking, but at least we are not in them. Mahatma lines up his shot and does the same as us, a long straight drive just short of the trees.

While Mahatma deliberates over going long or short with his second shot, we get a pop up:

Apparently our adventures in the trees have inspired this visit. Even if she donates a landmark, we still have to pay a hefty fee for its installation, so we wont be doing it for a while.

Mahatma plays his second shot into the rough wide of the fairway. Our turn...

Time for something fancy. A high backspin lob to set up an easy approach. This, not surprisingly, ends horribly. Our shot goes long into the rocks, and we get a skill penalty, losing accuracy. While we cry into the rocks, Mahatma hits his next shot long into the rough behind the green. From the rocks we try and at least get to the green...

But shoot short, landing into the rough just in front of it. From there we make a simple chip to within 10ft of the hole.

Apparently ignoring all of the time spent in trees and rocks we love this recovery so much it gives us a skill boost. We hole out in a par of 4 from there, and so does Mahatma. He had such a good time he becomes a member. This is good as it means more cash.

So, we have two holes. We have discovered that we can not golf. Hole 1 might prove to be hell. Hole 2 isnt too bad, yet. We have a rich person on a round, a couple of members, a bunch of people playing rounds, and we have enough cash for one more hole. We also have the option for a putting green, but not the funds.

What are your next instructions? 

[Haspen]

Lotsa green to the side of Hole #2, so make a hole there...

Add a sand pit before the end

[MonkeyHead]

Lotsa green to the side of Hole #2, so make a hole there...

Add a sand pit before the end

Sand pit you say?

Spoiler: Hole 3 (click to show/hide)

To save some cash and to give us our first par 3 hole I kept this one short and simple. Well, not too simple. The small green surrounded by sand is going to have some fun reactions. Oh, and I made this a "tricky green" which has a more demanding surface to putt on, just to make things more interesting. With the opening of this hole, we unlock the Snack Bar building, which unsurprisingly sells snacks. Not much use to us yet as our course isnt long enough for golfers to get hungry on.

While we have enough space for another hole, we could do with saving up some cash before trying to build one, or instead for the putting green, or maybe whatever "gift" Ivana chooses to donate to us if she enjoys her game. Will reflect on that later...

Spoiler: Our 3 Hole Course (click to show/hide)

We have been surprisingly economic with our space so far. The space to the north/west could easily house 2 more holes if we can generate the cash.

With nothing better to do, our manager will hang around, interacting with the golfers playing our course. Ivana seems to be having a whale of a time.



Clearly word of how fun our course is must be spreading...



This is not ideal as we dont really need more land yet and dont have much cash to buy any, but if we dont do so we risk running out of space later. Lets see if he offers us any when he finishes his game.

Speaking of fnishing a game, Ivana has made it to the end of hole 3. Apparently she thinks we take her opinions on trees into account.



The wonder of this particular tree manages to convince Ivana to donate us a landmark:



This is also a surprisingly cheap landmark at $2000. We can afford that if you would like it built anywhere. We also have a sundial in the landmarks we could build too for $1000, which makes golfers happy. Where do you want them to go?

Speaking of cash, while I was watching Ivana on her round, we are now up to near $20,000 thanks to memberships and greens fees. Should I.M. Picky approve it, we could afford a plot of land. We might be able to afford the putting green soon too.

Oh, and just before I call it quits on this turn, Ivana is back for her second round. Again, she is offering to "donate" another landmark.

Decisions for next turn:

• Do we buy land if offered it? If so, where?
• Where do we want the sundial (mood boost) and barn (no weeds)?
• Do we want the putting green yet? If so, where?
• Suggestions for potential future holes, anyone?

[NJW2000]

1. Buy Land
2. Sundial next to the start of the second hole. Barn just Southwest of the patch of rocks to the East
3. Hold off on the putting green.
4. A short hole starting near the green of the third hole but on the other side of the trees, and running Southeast to a small green in the middle of the rocks, leaving space for a hole running the other way alongside it.

[Haspen]

+1 to all the above but 1. only if we end with surplus of money afterwards.

[King Zultan]

+1 to all the above but 1. only if we end with surplus of money afterwards.

+1

[Duuvian]

I never played this Sim game so I don't know how silly these suggestions are.

4: Build a course that can trap a sim forever. Or, can you make them shoot the balls at each other? That seems like it would be fun. I'd want an old timey hockey goalie mask to not overdo my golf game though.

EDIT: If those don't work, can you do water hazards? I will assume you can't put gators everywhere. Is a walking route required? I thought it would be funny to have them wade or swim, but maybe it doesn't work like that. How about a hole with a water hazard with an island as a shortcut to reach the green on the other side, with a safe land route around the edge that takes an extra swing or two.

Does this one have natural disasters? Fire tornado! Rain of spiders! 1,000,000 identical golf ball hailstorm!

[King Zultan]

Having disasters sounds like it could be fun hopefully it has some, I mean there at least should be rain as it does mess with peoples golf game.

[MonkeyHead]

Thank you board members.

4: Build a course that can trap a sim forever.

I dont think you can actually do that. A golfer will eventually reach your last hole, or give up and go home if they flatline on fun/attitude. However, there is nothing stopping us making a monstrosity of a hole once we have enough land that makes everyone mad...

Or, can you make them shoot the balls at each other? That seems like it would be fun. I'd want an old timey hockey goalie mask to not overdo my golf game though.

This is totally doable. Fair warning though - nearly getting hit really pisses golfers off. We could consider a hole that crosses another, or some that run parallel. Sharing fairway forces the game to have multiple games in the same spot, causing near misses etc.

If those don't work, can you do water hazards? I will assume you can't put gators everywhere. Is a walking route required? I thought it would be funny to have them wade or swim, but maybe it doesn't work like that. How about a hole with a water hazard with an island as a shortcut to reach the green on the other side, with a safe land route around the edge that takes an extra swing or two.

Yep, water is a hazard we can use (streams and lake/ponds). Both are loathed by golfers if they land in them, but if they successfully navigate them give a massive mood boost. However, water is hella expansive to use, but I will aim to create a hole like that if we end up building on the coastline. A walking route is needed as golfers wont go through the water - either a land tile, or a bridge tile.

Does this one have natural disasters? Fire tornado! Rain of spiders! 1,000,000 identical golf ball hailstorm!

Having disasters sounds like it could be fun hopefully it has some, I mean there at least should be rain as it does mess with peoples golf game.

Afraid not, sorry. Which is a real shame.

1. Buy Land
2. Sundial next to the start of the second hole. Barn just Southwest of the patch of rocks to the East
3. Hold off on the putting green.
4. A short hole starting near the green of the third hole but on the other side of the trees, and running Southeast to a small green in the middle of the rocks, leaving space for a hole running the other way alongside it.

+1 to all the above but 1. only if we end with surplus of money afterwards.

+1 to all the above but 1. only if we end with surplus of money afterwards.

+1

To buisness. Firstly, the sundial.



As requested, near the tee for hole 2. Oh, hey, its the comissioner, playing with our old freind Mahatma. I hope he doesnt beat him as badly as he beat us. Putting the sundial here is actually an inspired move because...

Spoiler: Analysis of Hole 2 (click to show/hide)

... loads of people are leaving hole 2 pissed after ending up in the trees.

Next, the Barn.



This should make hole 3 almost zero effort to maintain, while making it look nicer. It might also benefit hole 4, which looks like this:

Spoiler: Hole 4 (click to show/hide)

This might turn out to be a challening hole. Golfers need precision to avoid the trees, and to hit a small green. Opening up this hole also unlocks this:



At $20000 we are way off affording this, but if and when we buy it, we should see a massive improvement in golfers on our course as we seem to have a very accuracy focussed course so far.

Spoiler: Course Map (click to show/hide)

Time to save up some cash just in case we are offered more land, landmarks, or shops. Or even more holes. While it trickles in, lets keep an eye on I.M. Picky...



He is actually beating our nemesis Mahatma thanks to an eagle on hole 1. Sure, he went into the trees on hole 2, but all the best golfers go into the trees. His attitude isnt great, as he is having a wait at the start of hole 3 for some slower players who are spending ages in the sand.

Elsewhere on the course, we might be about to ave our first fun issue. On hole 1, Bill is spending more time in the trees than a member of the Viet Kong.





He is indeed very deep in the trees, as is his partner Ringo.



Bill then storms off in anger at our course, and will probably never return. Ringo, already on the edge, starts to lose it as a result of Bills rage. We have a tantrum spiral on our hands!



I really hope they do not upset I.M. Picky, as he is having a great time:


On his way out of the course Bill starts to smash things up. Luckily for us he tries to smash a random tree, and our indestructible clubhouse.



Before he starts beating up our manager or other members, a miracle happens. Bill notices our new sundial...



... and it soothes his mood. So, no lasting damage done, thankfully. Obvisouly the board was inspired in placing a landmark in such a strategic place.

Ringo finally gets out from under the trees and holes out in a score of 7, a triple bogey. Tihs inspires the game to give us our first hole classification.



Hole 1 is now classified as "precise" this means that it rewards golfers who can make accurate shots. No shit, what with all the tree related rage.

I.M. Picky is on the last hole. Ivana is half way around. Matters for the board:

• If we get the change to buy land, in which direction would you want it to be?
  
• More hole ideas?
• Any interest in any buildings yet?
• Should we consider hiring any emplyees yet? Our corse is getting a bit big for our one person operation to be a greeter, groundskeeper, marshall, and soda seller.
  
  Spoiler: Availiable workers (click to show/hide)

  

[King Zultan]

What do greeters do and what buildings are available besides the pro shop?

When it comes to buying more land I say we get some to the south of our current lot.

[MonkeyHead]

What do greeters do and what buildings are available besides the pro shop?

When it comes to buying more land I say we get some to the south of our current lot.

Greeters basically hang around areas assigned to them, and interact with golfers, giving them a mood boost (unless they are in a bad mood, when it might make them worse).

We have the following buildings available:

• Ball washers - these, uh, clean balls. Noh sure what they do other than a small mood boost if used.
• Putting Green - $10000, boosts skills of golfers with imaginative trait
• Pro Shop - $20000, boosts golfers with accurate trait
• Snack Bar - $5000, feeds golfers removing the hunger need

[NJW2000]

Hire a Club Pro for the start of the course... we want to get the mood boost in early, before getting stuck in the trees pisses them off.

Talking of trees, how much clearance does a hole need? Could there be one starting at the cherry tree in the eastmost corner and past the cherry trees to the northwest without chopping down trees?