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[KenboCalrissian]

3rd Malachite, 208, Mid-Summer
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Inod the Count Consort is shouting from outside again.  Again with the shouting... last season she requested a total of six black bronze items, a grate, and a black bronze chest in her bedroom.

"Zon!  I have another demand of you!  Come outside, if you will!"

"What, dear Inod, could it possibly be this t--"

"Could you remove this puny green monster from my sights at once?  It offends me greatly!"

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Startled by Inod's shout, the goblin snatcher she caught picking her pockets turns and cuts her several times with the (large Iron dagger) in his narrow palm before fleeing.  He's long gone before a guard shows up to kill it.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

"Inod!  Quickly, somebody get that consort to her room!"

Alas, the litterings of the previous battle are far more important, apparently, than the health of a fellow dwarf.  No less than three dwarves trample over Inod's beaten body in favor of goblin trinkets and narrow giant cave spider loot.

Fortunately, the thief's crimes do not go unpunished!  In its escape, the goblin Ngokang Seducedcave ran through the lumberyard where Mūthkat happened to be felling trees.  Armed with an (Iron battle axe), she caught up with the thief and brought him to justice.

"Hyaa!!  Fear the wrath of Mūthkat Sibrekshoveth, creator of Logemtizöt Atöl Vod!"

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Correction... the goblin is brought to extreme justice, having been separated from both lower legs, his left landing in the pond nearby and turning it red with blood, and his...

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

His... err... gob dong has been chopped clean off.  Yikes...  Well, that's one piece of wood the elves won't mind us cutting down!

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

On the way to her room, Inod apparently demanded to be taken instead to the barracks to watch the guards and champions fight.  She claims she wants entertainment, but I get the feeling she's studying them, trying to determine why no one rushed to her aid the moment she took injury.

On to normal business... I've finally counted all of the nickel bars in the fortress; two-hundred and four in total.  Let's put the surplus to use in the form of training up our blacksmiths, shall we?  Let's say twenty nickel bins and twenty nickel statues.  I know just the place for those statues, too.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

I'm distracted by the sudden change in color on the side of the brook.  Goblins must carry an awful lot of blood in their legs, if just one is enough to paint that much of the brook red!  Even as I write, the blood continues to spread further north, staining more and more of the brook as it goes.

Another snatcher is killed by Asob Enteraxes, a miner that happened to be wandering outside.  He took the liberty of vomiting on the corpse of his kill just after dealing the finishing blow.  I guess he wanted to make sure that even if the goblin survived, it would have to deal with infection?  Soon after, another snatcher is struck down by the woodcutter Atķr Stukosromlam, 'Razorcloak.'  Hm... that's quite a name!  I'm a bit envious.

Oh, and Asob and I are buddies again.  She made me promise not to document the conversation, though.  I guess she's very worried about how I can't seem to stop writing even in mid-conversation, so we both agreed that it would be more respectful of me to put down the chisel and focus my attention on her while we spoke.  The long and short of it, though, was that she was grateful to find that a large portion of the forbidden dwarven syrup roasts found their way into the stockpile in her "secret" bunker, assuring her happiness should civil war break out and we need to take cover.  This was no accident; it's one of few ways I know how to apologize, and I'm glad she's accepted.

((Commentary))

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Before anyone corrects me, I know that was a gcs bag, not a gob dong!

[The Architect]

Merry Christmas to us. Thanks for the update and the gob dingle joke!

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

When I was lucky enough to visit Florence, I saw the statue David and a video of its restoration. When my mom made a comment about the great lengths they went to in order to restore it, my dad whispered "What is she talking about? All they did was polish his nob!" This has gone down as one of the greatest dong jokes of my life, as a significant portion of the video did indeed feature a man with a hanky rubbing David's fruit while a narrator described the difficulty of the restoration.

[askovdk]

Thank you for a great read! 
Happy new year and my best wishes for this comming chapters in this epic.

[elizar]

From the journal of Elizar:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

You know, there is some things as art, and some things that just cross the line. Mūthkat has lately not been happy about the attention I get from carving images in the goblins and other enemies. But what he did for attention was abysmal. I daresay that I do not have to write down what he had done, either it will enter the legends of The Swift Arches, or it disappears into emptiness, which is what I do hope what happens.

I've also heard some rumors that I had not fairly slain the Titan who had made the mistake of entering our region. Whenever I hear people say that behind my back, I'm equally quick to jump on their backs and assert, that yes, I did indeed kill the bloody titan and fairly at that. There's no better way to kill an enemy of The Swift Arches than to carve the symbol of our civilization onto it as it is bleeding to death.

I love your writing, this is just something that has been stuck in my head since your last post, if you don't mind.

Also, what is the image of the Civilization. From what I gather The Swift Arches is the mother civ, but I couldn't find any references to the symbol of the civ, nor of the founding group.

[Kyronea]

Could I have a dwarf to my name? A cook, or a farmer will do. Just name him Kyronea.

I gotta say, too, that I just adore your writing. I may have been initially attracted by the notion of the challenge, but now I stay for the writing, period, regardless of what happens with the challenge.

[KenboCalrissian]

17th Malachite, 208, Mid-Summer
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Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Kyronea twigwound, the dwarf formerly known as Stakūd, came to me with a request today.

"Zon!  Hey, Zon!  A moment, please?"

"Hm?  What is it, Stakūd?"

"No no no, it isn't Stakūd anymore.  It's Kyronea."

"What??  Why?  Are you in trouble or something?  Hiding from the hammerer, are you?"

"Noo, no!  Why, what have you heard?"

"...Riiiight.  Anyway, what can I do for you, besides strike your old name from the records?"

"As you know, I am a Legendary Grower, but a Novice Cook.  But um... Growing's getting old, and I'd like to try some more cooking."

"Hm.  Well, we don't really need anything cooked at the moment... even the low-quality stacks of Quarry bush leaf roast and Dwarven syrup roasts are enough to pull in half a caravan each."

"But it would make the others happier to have some cooked meals!  At least some biscuits to let me hone my skills, and then when we need more roasts I can get them good enough to pull in a whole caravan each!"

"The fort seems ecstatic enough... but, there's no harm in learning."

"You recently commissioned 20 nickel statues and 20 nickel bins.  I can only assume you're seeking to train the blacksmiths.  Personally, I think several batches of biscuits will do us a lot of good in the coming seasons!"

"Very well, Kyronea.  Twenty batches of biscuits it is.  But hold off a moment on that, I'd like a chance to review my cooking orders.  I'll let you know when I've validated the order."

"Thank you!  You won't regret it!"

I allow all meat, some plants, and all tallow to be cooked, but forbid the expensive stuff from the kitchens.  Then, I cave and order up forty easy meals.  Both of the existing kitchens are set to render fat until all fat is rendered, so I construct two more where we used to have non-magma forges to get the meals cooked.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

The blueprints for Project Brimstone Road are in place.  I can't decide on a proper name, though... it seems I find a better name for it with each passing week, with a few notable exceptions... Project Elf-Peever was probably the worst to date!  The tower is constructed of Basalt walls and Dolomite floors, because those were the two nearest color tones.  But let's face it... once alunite becomes the closer white rock, I'll be switching, because who's honestly going to know the difference?  If you're coming from that direction, your attention will be on the scars of magma burn still smoldering the trees, and the ominous looking structure directly overhead, with glowing orange murderholes threatening to spill over hot death if we deem you unwelcome.

It appears we've made a mistake with the walls on the bottom floor, so I order them removed and replaced with Basalt.  I like my two-tone motif too much to let it be marred by such carelessness!  Likewise, I interrupt the orders for bins and statues to put some iron doors on the line.  Four should be good for now, I don't see a need for any more than that.

As a test, I'm ordering sections of the forest cleared at a time while this construction is going on.  I want to race dwarven engineering against boring practical means, and get what lumber we can while I'm at it.

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I wipe off some sawdust from my purple ≡mountain goat leather tunic≡ and jot some notes on my clipslate as I survey the project as it stands.  Imush Flagtaxes, our blind ex-marksdwarf and skilled Pump-Operator (meaning she spends most of her time in the pump room when she's not hauling garbage), wanders around aimlessly before falling unconscious on the yard as usual.  It's but a foreshadowing of the terror we'll release upon those goblins when they show up again... oh, and the trees.  Damn you, trees.

[Quietust]

Ooh, a Magma trap. I look forward to its completion (and hope that it doesn't malfunction in some horrible way - I'm not quite certain how it's going to work, but given the full picture, I could probably spot a few problems)...

[Kyronea]

Nice work so far on the magma trap. Also, thank you for naming a Dwarf after me.

[The Architect]

Ooh, a Magma trap. I look forward to its completion (and hope that it doesn't malfunctions in some horrible way - I'm not quite certain how it's going to work, but given the full picture, I could probably spot a few problems)...

Just fixing your typo for you.

[KenboCalrissian]

Oh, I can think of several ways it can go wrong, starting with obsidian-capping Zon's flooded island crypt and probably melting the fort through the several openings in the wall alongside her pit, and ending with damming up my brook and flooding the world.  There's a reason my fort only has one entrance, but now it might be getting an additional drawbridge.

Also, I have absolutely no access to bauxite, so let that paint you a picture of what I've envisioned.

[Pandarsenic]

I'm glad this is as awesome as it was when I last checked it.

Oh, and a recommendation for that pressure plate from earlier - set it as a Restricted Traffic Zone so your narcoleptic dorf will path around it.

[KenboCalrissian]

Oh, and a recommendation for that pressure plate from earlier - set it as a Restricted Traffic Zone so your narcoleptic dorf will path around it.

Won't work... everybody has to step across those to get in or out of the fortress.  Also, didn't you think the shenanigans were amusing?

[KenboCalrissian]

4th Galena, 208, Late Summer
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Lady Inod, still laid up in the barracks, is causing a bit of a tizzy.

"And how many kills do you have, Grendus Furyroofs the Imprisoned Taxes?"

"Fourteen and counting, my lady.  My first was a human, the rest have all been goblins from there."

"Fourteen!  Dearie me, that's a big number!  And what of you, Archibold Bridgebolt the Equivalent Ram of Artifacts?"

"Haha!  66 notable kills and 7 rhesus macaques!  And you thought 14 was a big number!"

"Goodness, gracious!  That is a very big number!"

Elizar interrupts the exchange.  "Bah!  Number of kills is nothing if you're simply killing them.  How many goblins have you strangled to death with a tastefully arranged restraint crafted of their own intestines?  How many goblin hides have you pulled inside out and pasted to the archery targets just outside these walls with their own blood, using nothing but your -Steel short sword?-"

"Impressive... but how many kills do you have?"

"11, but that's not the point--"

"But it's the point I'm making!  You do not carry any artifacts with you into battle!  Olin Fortressash the Slick Smiles has fifteen kills and one macaque, and he gets to wear Leshalmamot, the Mournful Plaits, a Platinum low boot!"

"Mournful is right," Archibold commented.  "She complains all the time about its weight!  That boot was once measured at 321‪¬.  Imagine lugging that thing around all day, every day, on one leg!"

"Yet she continues to do so for the glory of the Swift Arches!  How about that?"

"Bah," Elizar said again.  "I don't need artifacts to do that.  I create artifacts from goblin gall and vomit!  Didn't you see that lovely painting on the wall near the main gate I made out of goblin blood and vomit?  I used hair from his scalp as a paintbrush!"

"I did, and I also saw that it was washed away in the recent rain!  Anyway, my point is that there seems to be a bit of confusion between the two of you over your artifacts."

Grendus raised an eyebrow.  "Who?  Archibold and I?"

"Archibold has over five times as many kills as you, and yet you continue to let him carry Kobembetan, Troubledcalm, a buckler made of grizzly bear leather!  And yet you wield Arbostsarvesh, The Deified Furnace, an Adamantine buckler!  What say you?"

Archibold and Grendus looked at each other's bucklers.  "Well," Grendus started, "he seemed pretty happy with the one he already had!  Right, Arch?"

At this time, Ineth Olinurol, a child of 'Legon' Dastototin, Captain of the Guard and Atķr Stukosromlam, woodcutter, wanders into the barracks.  He had been on his way to collect some wild strawberries from the outdoor farm, but distracted by the commotion of the nearby barracks, curiosity got the better of him.  It didn't help that Ineth has always been Archibold's biggest fan.

"Of course!"  Archibold said proudly.  "My ferocity in battle - it is like the fury of the grizzly bear!  I have befriended the Stray Grizzly Bear (Tame) restrained in the zoo, despite me carrying around the flesh of a fellow bear as protection!  It suits me well."

"Oh, sure... if you're willing to settle for a bear, while your colleague bears the housing of demons at his side."

"Demons??" Ineth exclaimed to himself.

Grendus laughed.  "Ah, little Ineth!  Here to watch some more sparring?  Pay no mind to Inod's talk of demons, my boy.  'Tis but an old wives' tale.  Surely, demons once roamed the land and lead the goblins to battle, but they are no more!  And the relation between adamantine and demons has never been proven."

"Because all who witness the relation have been slaughtered before they could tell anyone about it!"

"Then how'd you hear of it?"

"...Anyway.  I have a new demand.  Archibold and Grendus, you must trade bucklers!  Then, you will be correctly representing the amount of dedication you have shown the Swift Arches in your killing of its enemies."

"Trade bucklers?!  Never!"

Archibold laughed.  "Really, it isn't necessary.  I'm good enough as it is!  The added protection of adamantine is wasted on me, when it could be put to better use with someone else."

"Yeah!  You tell her, Archibold!"  Ineth cheered.

"Now, wait just a moment," Grendus said as she put her hands on her hips and glared at Archibold.  "What exactly are you trying to say here?  That I need more protection because of my skill?"

"Did I say that?  No, I think it was you who said it, just now!"

"A sparring, then!" exclaimed Inod.  "Whoever wins gets to keep Arbostsarvesh!"

"Oh, boy!  Let him have it, Archibold!"

As Archibold and Grendus took their places fifteen paces from one another, Elizar knelt down beside the young Ineth.

"Ok, Ineth!  I want you to pay real close attention to what happens here today.  Combat is an art, don't let anybody tell you otherwise.  Concentrate on watching Grendus's movements - Archibold is an efficient killer because he goes straight for the kill zone and leaves it at that, but Grendus has a sense of style to her fighting."

"But I want to watch Archibold!"

The sparring began.  Archibold surprised Grendus by swinging her (≡«-Iron flail-»≡) low at his knees, but the attack was blocked by the adamantine buckler!  Grendus jabbed at Archibold's shoulder with her -Steel short sword,- but the blow was blocked by the grizzly bear leather buckler!  Archibold swung again, this time aiming to wrap his ball-on-a-chain around Grendus's shield, but again the blow was blocked.  Grendus stabbed at Archibold's foot to disable him, but could not get the blade around Archibold's grizzly bear leather buckler!

"Elizar, this fight is boring!  They just keep hitting each other's bucklers!"

"Ah, 'tis the sharp edge of the brush for artifact equipment.  They are Beyond Quality - they only compare to other artifacts.  A piece of artifact armor can block almost any blow, especially if it's a buckler or shield - not to mention the wealth they add to the fortress!  Beyond that, they are works of art beyond compare.  But those amazing enhancements to combat come at a price: the thrill of combat is sacrificed to ensure victory!"

"Brushes don't have sharp edges, Elizar."

"They do when your brush is a sword!"

"So if I create an artifact, it makes people really happy, and the fort gets wealthier.  Huh!  I should do that."

"Aha... but Ineth, you're just a child!  You can't create an artifact."

Ineth stamped his foot into the red sand.  "Who says I can't!  I'm going to go create an artifact right now!  And I don't want anyone bothering me while I do it!"

Grendus and Archibold ceased their sparring as they watched the boy leave.

"I say!  Archibold, did you hear that?"

"The sound of a groundhog giving birth?"

"No... what?  No!  Ew!  Ineth has withdrawn from society and is going to create an artifact!"

"Oh, yeah, I heard that.  Let's go see what he makes!"

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

"Wait!"  Inod shouted after them.  "What about your sparring?  Aren't you going to stay and entertain me?"

Elizar coughed.  "I could give you my famous sock puppet performance again, if you like."

"Those weren't socks you used last time; they were the skins of goblin feet!"

"When you think about it, skin is really just a big ol' sock that you live in."

Ineth grabs the three things nearest to him - a turtle shell, rough yellow zircons, and a (Lead bar) from the trade depot just downstairs of the crafts shop he claimed, and begins working immediately.  I guess he's more interested in proving that he can make an artifact than making a good one.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Ineth finds Elizar in the dining hall the next day and shows him the crown.  "See?  Kids can make artifacts!"

Elizar inspects the crown with surprise.  "What, already?!  We just talked about this yesterday!  You mean to tell me you created this in just one day??"

"One in a half, really, but yes!"

Elizar inspected the craftsdwarfship closely.  "And you didn't even cut corners... I've never seen an artifact created in such little time!  You're a little child prodigy, aren't you?"

"You think Archibold will wear it?"

"Oh, I bet I know who'll wear it..."  Elizar withdrew from his X(muskox leather dress)X a tanned, skinned goblin foot and put it over his hand.  Using his thumb to move the toes of the goblin hide up and down like the mouth of a puppet, he started speaking in a higher pitch to emulate the puppet's voice.

"Hello, Ineth!  I'm King Gobtoe!  Want to crown me as leader of Gobfootatopia?"

"Elizar, you're wearing a dress and you're playing with a goblin's foot in public."

"It's ART!!"

I henceforth retract everything I've ever written about Asėnites and their strange views of art.

[Quietust]

The above narrative is pure Win.

Too bad you'll have to wait ~10 years for that child to grow up before he'll start actually putting his legendary bone carving skill to use (unless you cheat and use Dwarf Therapist to enable the labor on him)...

[kilakan]

so freaking epic.