Might as well.
Some old greybearded 70's-era phone phreaking dude will knock on the door of user "Fr0LOL", and charge the nerdy guy with going on a trip all around the world with his four D&D pals to collect his fellowship of hackers; a fat short bloke from Scotland who works in IT, this tall Japanese dude who collects elf girl body pillows, and a podcaster and his brother from Australia. The group must together use their skills to infiltrate MORDOR, the security company that is suspected to house the massive botnet looking to crash the entire internet, and take his "ring", the card with the decryption code needed for the other cards, and make sure they don't restart the entire internet.
Along the way, Fr0LOL gets his wrist broken, unable to type. They catch a flight to Japan where the Japanese dude's crew of perverted otaku friends live and enjoy their national healthcare. Gandalf learns that his old coworker, the Jobs to his Wozniak, has sold out and ratted him out to The Man. Elrond-San knows, and says that if the US gets ahold of the The One Card, it's all over, and they must destroy it.
On their quest, they go to this huge cube farm, hoping to use one of the computers to flash the thing and nobody will know. Gandalf gets caught by the cops, managing to stall them while the rest of the fellowship runs, after shouting "Fly, you fuckheads!" and is tazered and arrested. They hide out with one of the Podcaster's girlfriends, this geek girl who actually is a legit developer and who gives Fr0LOL a special keychain thumb drive that lights up when it senses government-encrypted wifi hotspots. He realizes this shit is too dangerous, and he and his bro Sam ditch everyone.
Boromir, the other podcaster, gets his ass arrested because he tried to log on at an internet cafe and didn't fucking use an incognito tab. The government has taken Gandalf and given him to Saruman, saying if they work together they can circumvent the One Card to reboot the net with their own terms, giving Gandalf super OP powers to every server the MORDOR botnet controls if he agrees. But he bounces, and now White!Gandalf is free. FrOL0L's other friends meet the Ents, a bunch of potheads from reddit who use their nerd powers for good(mostly), and who agree to drive them to meet White!Gandalf, pick him up, then get the fuck to MORDOR's HQ.
Meanwhile, Fr0LOL and Sam meet Mr. Gollum, a government worker who hates his job and the shitty-ass coffee at his office and wants to stick it to them. He's annoying, and Sam doesn't trust him, but Fr0LOL does and he tags along with them, since he's got access to the big MORDOR main floor. At some point he uses the One Card's power to check out some gross-ass emails Gollum was sending to some OKCupid girl, and realizes his power is just too great and gets creeped out. Gollum accidentally walks into a little spider, freaks out, and throws it on FrOL0L, who has massive arachnophobia, and passes the fuck out. Sam, who isn't a wuss, smashes it, but loses Gollum in the process "I always knew that shithead was a fucking asshole". The keychain lights up, prompting the nearing government workers, and they manage to escape.
Saruman is waiting at MORDOR's HQ for FrOL0L and Sam. FrOL0L, being an unexercised slob, can't walk up any more stairs to the top floor. Sam, who is stronger (ironically), elects to carry him. The Scottish dude and Legolas-san become friends, as they share the same anime waifu. Saruman says he gave Gandalf ultra OP powers, and can do the same for FrOL0L, since the One Card has immense powers. He can do, and get access, to anything, on any server, private, encrypted, or not. He nearly agrees, but Mr. Gollum wants that power, sick of being an office peon, and leaps for it, but smashes through a glass window and out into oblivion. The key, having left the premises after being activated, completely overwrites itself and all the info on it is lost.
White!Gandalf tells the government Saruman just wanted power so he could control the net, he was going to sell it to China or North Korea, and get rich. Saruman is arrested. Aragorn, the podcaster who didn't get deported, marries his girlfriend, gets a green-card in the US, and is offered Saruman's job, which he takes and is now a big-time at MORDOR. FrOL0L is released of charges and he and his bros go back home and play a D&D campaign where everybody is elves and hobbits and shit.
Bilbo gets emailed by Gandalf saying he should host a LAN party for a couple of friends. Bilbo isn't really into online gaming but Gandalf is a bro so he gives it a shot. Suddenly a bunch of Gandalf's friends show up in the middle of watching Game of Thrones, and fuck his apartment up; they eat all of his doritos, drink all his dew, clog his toilet etc. It's fucking horrible. But the point is, Gandalf wanted everyone together to propose his idea: They're going to get a metric fuckton of bitcoin by hijacking the server farm that Thorin and his pals made as a startup but got bought out by this guy who runs this huge distributed computing firm for hire called ARKENSTONE, protected by SMAUG, his epic concoction of homebrew firewall code. Turns out, SMAUG can be disabled but you have to actually be there in person to do it, and that's why they want Bilbo: He's the only one who doesn't have a fucking criminal record. Thorin wrote ARKENSTONE, he should be entitled to all the bitcoins that it farms.
So off they go. Inside the building, they take an elevator down to the basement to avoid security, and get trapped by the basement-dwelling programmers employed there. They have to slay their Manager to escape, but when they do, they're separated, as Bilbo runs into the vents everyone else is too fat to fit into. Gandalf's guys manage to blind the programmers by turning on the lights and they escape. Bilbo falls out of the vent into Mr. Gollum's office, a fucking gross and messy shitty room full of greasy paper, mcdonalds bags, crumpled fapwads and lotion. Amongst the litter he finds The One Card on a little lanyard. When he puts the lanyard around his neck, everyone instantly thinks he's just another office peon and he escapes Mr. Gollum's office. (This is where Gollum was employed before he got the MORDOR job)
Bilbo takes a wrong turn and ends up in the big huge server room, a maze of giant freestanding computers, with massive tangles of golden wires everywhere. There seems to be a really massive heat coming from the back, probably due to mismanaged cooling, and he figures there must be an admin console somewhere. But what he finds is this gigantic fat redheaded motherfucker, asleep at his computer. He realizes after seeing his nametag (and the gross furry art of some dragon with boobs on his screen, wtf?) that SMAUG isn't a firewall, he's an sysadmin!! Bilbo tries to escape but he wakes the behemoth, who, in his rage, spills his hot caramel macchiato all over himself, and runs after Bilbo, tripping on wires. He yells about how his fucking shitty employees dropped the ball and must've let him into his precious server room, his solace. "Chill out, dude! I just wanted to come and see if you were here! I ..I wanted to get you another coffee!" "Really?" Smaug stops. "NO, YOU FAT FUCK! THEY TOLD ME YOU WERE A LARDASS, DAMN! BYE!" and Bilbo runs, Smaug waddling after him. He manages to grab the piece of paper that Smaug wrote the login info for ARKENSTONE on, and runs out, Smaug unable to catch him.
Outside, the employees marvel at the fact that someone finally humiliated Smaug, but demand that he get the servers back up- all the wires were pulled out and now they're in deep shit. Bilbo tells Thorin he stashed the password, and Thorin goes "yeah this stupid fuck unplugged your wires! GET HIS ASS!" and Bilbo feels betrayed. Gandalf tells Bilbo the fire department is on their way due to the burning down of the server room, and they bail. Thorin is caught and arrested, charged with sabotaging the server room, and Smaug apparently fell, and drove a huge dowel of cable wire right up his ass and perished.
Bilbo comes to Thorin in jail and says he'll give him the passwords if he prevents a massive uprising of displaced and jobless nerds from all the places that the server farm was client to. Thorin forgives Bilbo, but is sentenced and won't be leaving jail any time soon. Gandalf and Bilbo leave, knowing they can do nothing, and that it was greed and lust for bitcoin that felled everyone in the end. However, Bilbo still knows how to login to ARKENSTONE, and eventually transfers enough bitcoin to himself to buy a sweet new sicked-up gaming rig. The end.
Author
Topic: Sigtext (Read 1086183 times)