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[Solifuge]

My mother came by my apartment unannounced an hour or so ago, asking to borrow money from me. I explained to her how little I have, having been without work and so on for as long as I have. Normally I'd have been happy to help, but she was asking for half of the money I currently have to my name, all of which needs to go into gas for my new job. I tell her that I can't spare it, and she gets irritated, and immediately switches to talking about how our old cat is dying. I try to get a feel for his health, and ask her a few questions, to which she instead answers that he's not been eating or using the litterbox much lately, she took him to the vet, and the medication they gave him isn't helping. I pushed her to take him back to see if it's a simple digestive issue, but she kept repeating that there wasn't anything she could do, and he was probably just going to die. She goes on to talk about how her favorite fish, named "Blazing Saddles Bitchy Pouty Mouth", recently died (the last in a long line of their fish that have died since she and my step-dad got a tropical aquarium). I offer condolences, and as I do she jumps topic to how pissed off she was that I borrowed their DVDs for a week while I was tending their house. As rationally as I could, I tried to explain that I didn't think it would have been a problem, especially since she herself had offered to let me borrow them before.

After a few more things, she returns to the topic of borrowing money, and I repeat that I honestly can't afford it. At this point, she starts speaking to my cat, telling her how "she shouldn't listen to any of the bullshit that comes out of my mouth," then says to her "don't tell me not to talk to my son like that", and finally asks "if he's so poor, why doesn't he just go live with his fucking father?" At this point, I was done being abused, and I told her that she was being both disrespectful and theatrically crazy. She stood up and made to leave, saying she'd talk to me again when she could borrow money from me. I responded that, if she wanted to grow up in the meantime, I would be happy to speak with her as an adult for a change. The door slammed, and the event was over.

I want to see her happy, to take care of herself, to better her own situation, and otherwise live a fulfilling life. She's lived on a couch for my entire adult life, doing little more than reading and watching television. She plies all of her effort and energy toward abusing others out of her own self-loathing, until someone reaches out and takes care of her. Her mental abuse is the reason I withdrew from others as I did; I honestly couldn't have made it through childhood if I'd made myself available to her brand of mindfuckery.

I'm tired. I have nothing but love for my parents, but so much of me wants to break ties with them right now... to thank my step-father for his guidance and help, but to ask him to take the car he's financing for me and sell it to recoup his losses. To tell my mother that I appreciate what she had to do to raise me and my siblings alone, but hope she can get beyond her cycle of self-destruction, and can stop trying to drag others down with her. I'm in such a bad position right now that I can't afford to refuse help, but I really don't think that their help is worth the abuse I put up with for it. I'd sooner serve in the military, or find some other way to sell 4-odd years of my life to get out of the hole I'm in, but do it on my own terms.

[Lysabild]

I can say nothing, I don't know your options or the possibilities where you live.

I can't advice on the family with something you haven't already thought of a thousand times.

I can say that my thoughts are definitely with you, and I know writing everything down sometimes help, so feel free to write more and know your heart is opened for people who care.

As we briefly talked, I am in very much the same position with my brother, who's using his mental illness as an excuse to sap my energy and economy for his own problems. So yeah, heart and thoughts are with you, from Denmark and all they way to whereverica.

[Blargityblarg]

It's probably not very feasible, but perhaps a move might be in order? It puts a bit more finality into the breaking of ties, and I can't think of many places much worse than Michigan for job opportunities.

Good luck, man. We believe in you.

[MetalSlimeHunt]

Blarg has a point, Soli. Your state's economic well-being is in freefall. On the other hand, trying to set up your life someplace else would be very difficult in the short term.

[Solifuge]

Writing things down definitely helps, yes. Also, as for the move I've considered it a number of times in my past, for many reasons. I'm not worried about getting set up; I know people in the West Coast who've offered to help me before... same for the American South, and even Canada (if I wanted to get citizenship). I make friends easily, and I am willing to do and am experienced in a variety of work... so those aren't really my concerns.

I'm stagnating here, scraping helplessly at the walls of the pit I've landed in, while some people in my life try to bleed me dry of my empathy and concern. Circumstance has trapped me in a cycle of independence and dependence for so long that another part of me just wants to jump into something with no support net at all, to force myself to keep my head up, or sink trying.

EDIT: I apologize if things seem vague. I've never had a good sense for what other people know or can figure out, so I tend to do poorly when explaining things or relating stories. It doesn't help that I'm still flustered about the whole matter.

[sonerohi]

I don't know how the south is doing right now, but the west coast economy seems to be not so great. No matter where you decide to go, though, it does sound like you need to go, even if just temporarily. You're fighting from one knee and all you can do is hold out, but it sounds like you could manage yourself if things backed off enough to let you stand up. I wish I could give better good advice, but I'm not really world wise. Although I will say that it'd be sweet if you fought your way across the nation and then back home, hauling wagons of battle trophies.

[Astramancer]

It's surprisingly easy to cut family ties.  Just move and don't tell them.  Get a new phone number.  Delete them from your facebook account (if you even have one), and set up auto-filters on your e-mail to send all e-mails from them straight to trash (or another folder so you don't see them).

However, KEEPING family ties cut can be harder, but that's all on you.  I don't have the greatest relationship with my family, I e-mail converse with my mom about two or three times a year, same frequency for phone.  All initiated by her.  I haven't spoken with my sisters or brother for years.  It's not that I don't like them, I literally just don't care.  If they're not in front of my, I don't think about them.

My wife, on the other hand, has a mom that sounds kinda like yours.  And she talks with her weekly (mostly via chat, but some phone), and she (my wife) complains to me about how horrible her mom is mostly weekly...  (and it's not just her, because her mom isn't allowed to leave the state of Texas without permission from her parole officer.  Arson tends to cause that!)

[Solifuge]

My mother isn't quite that far gone... she's just exceedingly shut-in, and over the last 10 years has regressed from the very responsible (if imbalanced) woman I grew up with, to a spoiled child who would sooner pity and loath herself than lift a finger to change her ways. It's terribly sad to see, mostly because I know that she's the only one who can break out of that habit, and yet I want so strongly to be able to help her find happiness and self-improvement.

I don't want to never see or talk to them again... I just want to pay what debts remain for raising me, thank them for their care and help, and divorce myself from their support. I want to get out of the hole I'm in and continue my education, without being beholden to them for aid... and most importantly I want to stop giving my mother leverage to use against me for whatever mind-games she wants to play, by staying in a position where I need her or my step-father's help.

I'm going to stop by the recruiting office this afternoon, to look into technical jobs in the military; specifically the Coast Guard or Navy for oceanography and testing of water-health, and the Air Force looking into communications and computer work. I'm a bit old to be starting service, but it's a way of continuing my education, saving money to repay my debts, and covering my room-and-board for a number of years. I'll be continuing with online classes throughout.

My brother is getting married this weekend. After my obligations to him and my family are done, I'll be free to consider joining the military for a period of years, saving money and repaying those I owe it to, and taking online coursework throughout. When I'm done with my service, I can return in a better financial position, and should all go well move on to Grad School.

[Solifuge]

I think I've got a better handle on this situation now; by and large, I just needed to get this out there, in a concrete form, so I could unravel it without it getting mixed up with the other tangled knots I'm picking through.

Thanks for your advice, and I've gotten what I need to out of this. Going to lock this now.