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[JacenHanLovesLegos]

No, our unit sizes are the same.

[USEC_OFFICER]

I was thinking that not even Stworca himself could win that battle, but I was obviously proved wrong. Damn Stworca, you could give Napoleon himself a run for his money.

[mainiac]

Well, in Nappy's defense, most enemies don't walk into a triple encirclement with such gusto.

[Stworca]

Spoiler: 376-377 Offensive (As in, we have offended everyone during that period) (click to show/hide)

All but 3 armies have been moved in the last update, so let us deal with the remaining stacks before proceeding. The Onager army will go south, to cool down the 12 thousand strong ERE force at Sirmium. Others are slowly moving east.


Winter 376 is upon us, and the siege of Salona finally begins. I didn't expect to be so many of them 'ere.


With tier 4 walls and high level baracks, Salona will be the toughest nut to crack yet.
But we're patient when sieging, and take out enemy towers before anything happens.


They have a lot of peasants, and these peasants die instantly, or rout to die in a few minutes.


But there are also some decent troops fielded against us. And 4,5k enemy force is one that takes a lot.


Eventually though, our Shield Wall formation won the day, and caused the rebels to flee.


..and we only used 8 units in this siege. Yay!


This victory means 3 things.
1. We reclaimed all our initial provinces.
2. We now control a strong city with surprisingly good barracks (The rebels have upgraded them!)


3. There are no more WRERebels.


How do our allies respond to that?
They are acting like dicks..


Are we offended? Yes.
Are we surprised? ..No.
Army group Onager is positioned on a bridge just on the ERE-WRE border. If They make a move, it will cost them.


Cost them twice actually, as we have also landed in Villa la Cyrene. (Don't worry, we have 4 infantry units still on the boat)


Turn ends. It is now 377, Summer. ERE Assholes are trying to avoid my bridge army and strike at Salona.
Well, tough luck, Salona has it's own army. Hola!


Also : The incompetent Vandals have failed the siege once again, and now stand in our way.


Their army is split into two groups. Ours is not. It's a miracle that They did not flee.


I'm not going to pass this opportunity though. Have a look at a SS taken 10 seconds into the fight. Can you predict what will happen?


I like the general-kill screenshots that also catch my background units. Encircling is fun.


But we're getting side tracked here. We charged, and wiped out the entire first group of their army before their reinforcements even got to a bowshot range.


And afterwards, we wiped out the general-less, mostly-infantry mob that for some reason wasn't wiped out by the Goths, Sarmatians or anyone else.


Lastly, we've seen the end-results, which once again reminded me, that our light cavalry is pathetic.


In unrelated news : We also began the siege of the random Hunic village.


The turn ends. It is now winter 377 AD. We begin the siege of Burgrundii capital.


Also : Eastern Roman Dicks have finally found the stones to declare war.


Thus we begin the siege of Sirmium, force their stacks to retreat from Salona..


..and as a cherry on top, siege Cyrene.


Really smart move by them Byzantines.

Spoiler: The ball-breaking winter of 377 AD (click to show/hide)

The ERE treachery has annoyed me, and now i have to wipe someone out to feel better.
And since i'm a just ruler and good neighbor, Vandals are getting it once again.


They have made the arch-RETARDED decision to stack most of their generals in one army.
A general-hunt is in order.


There goes one.


Two..


That's three...


..and then They pull out some more voodoo shit and pull the remaining two out.


Still, it's three less, and another annoying stack slightly trimmed down. Now to take the pathetic village..


..and convert it into Christianity, just because i can. (actually it was already Christian, thanks to our 70% conversion general)


I still have some moves left, and there are more Vandals in range, thus...


..we pull some ballsy cornering charge..


..and get rid of another thousand unwashed barbarians. I swear, Vandals are so far the most pathetic opponent. I'm no wonder surprised that Goths held them off. Now i'm surprised the Goths haven't wiped them all out..


Still, some of my soldier got hurt while effortlessly slaughtering dozens of Vandals (they tripped on enemy bodies, got paper cuts and so on..) so i pull my army back to Aquincum to regroup. Vandals got like 1,5 stack left, so we don't care about them for now.


I hit end turn..
..And shit hits the fan.


"But they are pathetic, only 250 general cav, you have plenty of troops" You say.
Aye, we do. But we have only town watch, archers, unwashed mercenaries and one general.
Then again.. we know how to climb.
AND we know how to set up traps. Notice the 49 strong enemy general chasing ours right next to our unbreakable defensive line.


Line that has plenty of javelins to toss, and only one target : THE FOOL. By the time he clashed with my general, his troops were cut down to half, wavering and about to pick up the soap with my general standing behind with just a towel cowering his body.


They got balls though. They are stupid, but they have balls.


See how their general is holding his ground against our line?


Time to change it with a charge of warcry-affected mercs on both flanks. One of them is ought to break.. and it does.


With one routing unit, another ones are just around the corner, and so a chain reaction begins.


Will their king get away?
He would have, but one of our mercenaries is called...


As always, a chain rout coupled with general's death means one thing. Peanut Butter Slaughter Time.


Burgundii bodies make a fine carpet, you should try them out yourself, viewer.


They really should've headed east. I wouldn't bother chasing this tribe across some wastelands.


Was that it? Can i have my turn already?
Hmm.. i guess not.


That's quite a lot of enemies, so i form a flexible formation. No strong points just yet, ready to correct it as soon as i see enemy positions.


Damn ERE got the first attack in this war, but what is this..?
Ah.. hahaha...


BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (aka : Le complete annihilation of enemy army)


Oh, hey, They've arrived!


Too bad that the majority of my forces have remained on the starting positions.
A double shame, that the enemy reinforcements arrive right next to our ready and eager troops.


The battle was won before it even began. Poor organization on enemy part.
Reminds me of..


Adrianople.. Should Valens wait for reinforcements under Adrianople, They would've won.
Hell, the date is just half a year away! What a coincidence!


Then again, if they arrived simultaneously, i would still crush them beneath my inquisitorial boot!


Let's see the scoreboa--- WHAT THE---!? How is that NOT a crushing victory!?


Am i having a nightmare?!

Spoiler: They have spawned WHERE?! That's cheap (click to show/hide)

378 AD. It appears that Goth-screwing event has triggered. Ostrogoths take their place, and Goths form a horde.


Oh well, we will deal with them once we get rid of Vandals. Shouldn't be much of a... of a... HOW THE FUCK!? WHY NOT FUCKING PLACE THEM NEXT TO ROME?!


That's a cheap shot. A sneak-kick to the nuts... I want that horde annihilated in a manner that will forever put their names to shame!
How?
In two turns a very special general will arrive.


Also, the army that was retreating from the east, is now reinforced with cavalry from Aquincum, and takes position next to a bridge. (So that should they try to cross, it will be a series of 1v1)


Lastly : A swift response to ERE's attack is in order.


ERE army has yielded very quickly, just as They fare in bed chambers..


With Sirmium sieged, and Army-Group Salona keeping the other two stacks in check, we pull another stack back to gangbang Goths.


As a side dish, Cyrene is sieged.


But we abandon the  crappy backwater village, and immediately head for Alexandria.


Goths have to face one of our stacks, or pass. They chose to pass, and wait a turn. Probably waiting for Vandals to strike us in the back.
A decent plan, except for two issues :
1. General Big Balls is one turn closer to you.


2. Vandals are about to be annihilated, and named the most pathetic enemy in RTW:BI.


Almost as bad as Egypt in vanilla. (another non crushing victory.. fuck this.)


A disorganized mob that some call a worthy foe.


They are not.


Not even one battle with Vandals deserved attention.


and now that They're gone..
Goths are knee deep in shit.

[MetalSlimeHunt]

Glory to the True Roman Empire!

[Zrk2]

AH! Update! *Fapfapfap*

Stworca, you remain utterly amazing, and I thank you for teaching me the basics of cavalry warfare. (I still hate missile cavalry, the cheap bastards.)

[USEC_OFFICER]

Huh. I've never seen enemy reinforcements delayed before. How did they manage to get delayed (and how can I replicate that in my future games)?

(Also, great job on crushing the unwashed barbarians and the washed barbarians.)

[Zrk2]

IIRC it's when your computer can't handle fielding that many units, they just got tricky about it.

[Stworca]

IIRC it's when your computer can't handle fielding that many units, they just got tricky about it.

Actually it's most likely a dice roll. If i reloaded a save, that fight would most likely have no delayed reinforcements.
I was going to post another update, but the forum was down for so many hours.. :S

Tomorrow, i guess.

[USEC_OFFICER]

IIRC it's when your computer can't handle fielding that many units, they just got tricky about it.

Actually it's most likely a dice roll. If i reloaded a save, that fight would most likely have no delayed reinforcements.

No, Zrk2 is right. I looked it up and it's definitively due to your computer, no to a random dice roll. If it was influenced by a dice roll (honestly, it should be), I probably would have experienced it by now.

I was going to post another update, but the forum was down for so many hours.. :S

The forum was obviously scared that you would come over and whoop its ass. 

[mainiac]

Maybe this teleporting horde of goths will finally offer you a decent challenge?

[Akigagak]

Maybe this teleporting horde of goths will finally offer you a decent challenge?

You forget, this is Big Balls coming to kick their asses.

[Stworca]

No, Zrk2 is right. I looked it up and it's definitively due to your computer, no to a random dice roll. If it was influenced by a dice roll (honestly, it should be), I probably would have experienced it by now.

After investigating the issue, i've discovered that i have forgot to change
UNLIMITED_MEN_ON_BATTLEFIELD:FALSE
after installing the expansion. Fixed now. Update in a few hours methinks.

[mainiac]

Does changing that flag life the limit on your troops too?  Or just on enemy armies consisting of multiple stacks?

[Stworca]

Spoiler: Showoff (click to show/hide)

Annoyed by the mistake of not enabling unlimited troops (thus cutting the 5k ERE army in half due to reinforcement delay) i've decided that it's time to be the attacker.


They may not be too impressive, but they are mostly cav. Not a bad cav either.


We stood our ground to not get encircled (cavalry has - after all - insanely better mobility and charging bonus) until one of my generals died, my spearmen and BI-arcani routed, and things started looking badly.
This is when i've decided that ze enemies are close enough for Tongs tactic (Not to mistake with Thongs)


The idea is simple, and the effectiveness is highly dependent on swift mobilization and troop quality.
In our case, it was good enough.


It was a matter of seconds, until this screen popped up.


This was easier than expected. A damn shame about our general. The first one we've lost in battle so far.


Do you wish to know how close They were to our onagers? This close.


But still far away from doing anything.


Mercenary Alan Horse archers are like terminators. 49 of them went all Jesus on death, except it took them three days less.


A sad, sad day for the empire. General.. whatever his name was.. has died in battle.


Army-Group Salona is pulling back to the city for some retraining and reinforcements. ERE has lost another two stacks, and we are merely delayed for a turn.


This was, however, the last battle in this turn, and so i end it, waiting for a move by the damn Goths. They have to attack if they hope for surviving the next turn..
Touche.


The enemies are almost all cav-archers and infantry, which would require a lot (and i do mean A LOT) of encircling to get rid of them one by one.
There is another way though. It's called "Wide spread".


We win by default, but their damn archers still nearly wipe out our Foederati cavalry unit, and badly injure at least two sarmatian cav groups.


Despite the loss, Goths keep attacking. This time They pack the sole reason for Vandals failing their siege. 6-exp generals. How ridiculous are these on VH? We'll see in a bit.


By now one should know, that hordes generally  place their missile-cav on the flanks, and thus the most important maneuvers take place on the right and left.
Goths sent 2 Cav on (our) left, and 3 on the right.
The left is covered nicely, and it's already obvious, that these two missile cav units will get wiped out.


What about the right? Well.. There is a small wooded area. I wanted a slight tactic change, so we...


..Yeah. (99, 97, 97, reduced to 96, 92, 92. All three enemy cav routing or wiped out)


The left is also going well, and so the predictable, stupid, unwashed barbarians have lost all their horse archers in a stupid way.


Still, before we begin effortlessly slaughtering their infantry, there is but one more thing to take care of..
Remember how our right flank still had 280 heavy cavalry units after winning their battle?
Yeah. ONE enemy general charged all three of them. He got surrounded, and..


This is just a ballsack on a stick.. I pull them back. We will need to outnumber these by even larger margin to win. 
Still, aside from the terminator-like generals, enemy army was getting raped. Routing left and right.


Thus, eventually we focused our army on them generals, and (FINALLY)..


451 casualties.
400+ of which were dealt by enemy generals :S

Spoiler: Laugh at them Goths, viewer. Laugh and poke them with a stick (click to show/hide)

Two attacks in, two massive failures, and yet the Goths launch a third one.


A general-less mostly-infantry mob, with only Three cavalry units. The battle had only two parts. First one, was encircling and wiping out their cavalry.


The second part was slaughtering enemies until the battle ends, and result screen pops by to stop the fun.


Just to annoy us further, Burgrundii try another attack. How wise of them.


They had three generals left, right?
Well, more like two.


Or was it just one?


Or perhaps i'm wrong, and they didn't have a sing-- GOD DAMN IT, YOU RUN AGAIN!?


Oh well, let's take a look on the giant Goth horde next to Aqui.. Hey, where are They? Did they hide or something?


Goths only had two armies left, for a total of perhaps 2500 men, so i wanted to face them both at once.
And with a general who traveled half of Europe to get some fightin', and was denied the fun!
I mean of course the lead ACDC singer


His balls are always bouncing, they say. (Enemies pack 150 general cav, extreme quality ones. But aside from that only other 350 cav.)


This time i was able to catch them with their pants down.


While General Charity Balls goes postal on them barbarians, i discover that enemies have seen through our hiding tactic, and i need to move my morning-wood cavalry prematurely.


Still, it changes nothing on the left flank. With mostly infantry left, we can roam freely.


And roaming freely makes us hungry for some Goth meat. How many generals has Big Balls slain by now? Hard to say.


But as always, general dying means entire army going to hell, and so the first half of Goth forces is wiped out.


Just in time, morning-wood cavalry have caught the sneaky horse archers, and are Roshambo'ing them for the right to live.


With them gone, it's once again enemy general + pathetic infantry. We form a lovely butterfly formation, because it looks cute.


It's always just a matter of time before enemy general acts like his name suggests (like a FOOL) and this was no exception.


So how about Poland/Ukraine 2012? Mayans predicted the date you know..


It will be the end of the world as we know it. With one highway for the entire country, and stadiums spread out all over the god damn wasteland, it's going to be a blast for the fans.


It appears that Big Balls simply can not get them gold experience bars. Oh well, he has 10 stars, so it hardly matters.


And with a second horde wiped out, even his stars hardly matter.


Just his balls do.

Spoiler: Come 'ere ERE. (click to show/hide)

2 more turns have passed.
Alexandria, the Shithole, is our target once again. The damn ever-rioting 10% pop. growth nightmare.. much like Carthage.


As an added bonus, Alexandria also has Epic Walls. Just look at the size of these..


It's the first time i siege epic ones. I like the new siege towers, especially because they have mounted balistas!.


Our siege towers are epic enough to get to the walls undamaged.


Unfortunately for ERE, we packed 4 siege towers for a reason. Gatehouse sneak-capture in 3.. 2.. 1..


0..


And soon after negative 1.


Look at this, viewer.. I mean COME ON! They have higher pop than Rome!


Managing this one will be a pain.. But capturing Alexandria brings one more benefit : Them triangular thingies.


Another turn  :
We move two armies far east (well, 1,5 actually), while third one is sieging Ostrogoths.


And to the south, we siege Athene's and..


381 Winter. Let us finish what we have started.


Athene's are protected by a skeleton crew. I guess we have wiped out the proper army sometime in the past, near Salona or wherever.


Which leaves us with Constantinople. Good luck defending the city with those 6 units.


The battle is a joke, but since it's historical and what not.. Let us go into detail!
Our onagers are hurling stuff, while them towers advance. No epic walls, means no epic siege towers.


It shows.. Our hay and gunpowder covered wooden tower number two is burning.


Thankfully the other monument of poor engineering got to them walls.


ERE infantry didn't want to climb on the walls, so the walls came down on them. There was a saying like that somewhere..


Walls sieged, gatehouse captured, my own infantry roaming free on the high ground.. Just a single finishing touch :


Faptastic!


Hey, didn't they have a unit of eastern archers? (best archers in BI. Sick range.)
Oh yeah, they did!


It's not even funny, how badly managed ERE was.


So they fall, and with their capital, we achieve victory. Our emperor doesn't have any gray hair yet.

We could've done it way sooner, but we would not wipe them hordes if we rushed..

Still, one question remains : Do we really want the world?
(There are 3 large hordes and 2 minor ones left, also some remains of ERE and - of course - Sassanids)